“The [...]]]> “Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being.” — Daisaku Ikeda

“The first and best victory is to conquer self;” — Plato

A year ago, I was worried about a slight weight gain as we left for China.

Today, I weigh a LOT more. What the hell happened?

“We just had a kid,” I thought. “It’s sympathy weight. Or maybe it’s the stress of landing work and doing work.” I blamed my wife, my traveling, the Holidays, my friends. “I can’t fast on my trip / during the wedding / during BootCamp.” I blamed my apartment’s proximity to an otaku-with-a-sweet-tooth’s wet dream. “I’ll start on Monday / after I finish this Halloween candy / when I eat all the cake I just bought.” I rationalized, I sulked, I ignored. And guess what? The problem didn’t go away.

This is called the downward spiral; a feedback loop from which few escape. Bad habits cause bad feelings which spur bad habits ad nauseam. Instead of looking the problem square in the eye, I played dumb. “I know, I know – don’t worry. I’m on it.” That’s what I said to everyone, but in reality, I had no visibility into how bad the problem had gotten. I had a rough idea (two pants sizes) but the spiral was slow, and so tasty. The spiral is a reactive, animal thing. Creatures are dragged around by their instincts without choice, but as humans, we can choose. We don’t always do it, but we can.

Commercial pilots can make over 200k per year, but computers can take off and land planes pretty easily now. So why are they paid so much?

They’re not paid for the good times. They’re paid for disaster; for the hope that in the split second between death and life, they can apply their training and do the weird thing, the counterintuitive thing, the human thing. To turn into a spiral, breaking the cycle and freeing the plane.

In a car, driving on ice, sliding around, about to crash – anyone would slam on the brakes, sealing their doom. Someone pilot-like could apply the gas and perhaps save everyone. That’s what a pilot does. And that’s why they’re so valuable. When needed, they do the weird thing.

It doesn’t matter how much you’ve screwed up, slacked off, shirked duty. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you last worked out, saw the dentist, went to an AA meeting. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve fallen. Wallowing is the spiral. The only decision before you is : “What do I do right now to save my ass?”

And so it’s with a pissed determination I activate the “fasten your meat belts” sign. I’m pulling myself out of this spiral. If you’re in the same boat, join me. Let’s be humans.

As some of you know, last August 10th I embarked on a journey it took me ten years to start. That’s the problem with change. I think it was Andy Grove who said, “Real change is instantaneous – deciding to change can take forever.” One of my former bosses told me that, and it [...]]]>

As some of you know, last August 10th I embarked on a journey it took me ten years to start. That’s the problem with change. I think it was Andy Grove who said, “Real change is instantaneous – deciding to change can take forever.” One of my former bosses told me that, and it took a while to sink in, but I’m glad it finally did.

I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I would spend more time worrying about it, moping about all the time I could have been young and in shape and living it up in the clubs or as a male stripper or cavorting with supermodels or pillaging across Asia like Marlon Brando or like Vince Vaughn in “Return to Paradise.” I watched as some friends did exactly that. I watched and stayed fat. I would be more regretful if I wasn’t having so much effing fun now.

I feel like a huge emotional tumor has been removed. The Feeling is back, this time to stay. The monkey has been evicted, and my living room is elephant free. At least for now, things are really really good. It’s summer from now on, and every day outside the fat suit and diabetes-free is pure goddamned gravy.

The problem with dreams is they’re huge emotional blobs of desire – you know what they are, you know you want them, but how do you know when you have them? Is finishing that book enough? Would you be happy with that? Or does the dream also have to include getting it published? Getting it reviewed? Making money on it? Bestseller? Poet Laureate? What do you want? Does your dream of being financially covered include having money to travel? to buy real estate? How many millions would be enough? How do you know when your dreams come true?

This would all be easier if life were like sports or game shows. Winners, losers, time’s up – here’s the trophy, here are your stats, full house beats a flush. I wish we could also have: “Wow – according to this, I only need four more rejection letters before my screenplay gets picked up for a pilot.” “Two more auditions and I’ll have a paying gig.” “I’m 20% of the way toward taking my company public.” In life, you rarely know if your decisions are good until much, much later, if at all. The only solution is to keep making them. The worst thing to do is nothing, which is what I did for ten years, sitting fat while the rest of the world partied around me. I saw the world; I had fun; but I always had this RoboTech exoskeleton of fat shielding me from emotional harm.

So as this day approached, my doctors and I went back and forth – when will I be done? everyone around me has been telling me to stop for quite some time, but, while well-intentioned, they’re not qualified. My dream of being in good shape was almost here – hell, maybe it already was.

There are a few ways to measure “weight-health” – one is the BMI (Body Mass Index.) It’s a simple ratio of height & weight to mortality, and it’s a general guideline for what you should weigh. A BMI of 25 is the high end of healthy. Mine is about 28 right now. Overweight, but much better than when I started, when it was 45. Another is measuring your body fat. The calipers don’t work for squat – ignore them. You have to go to the dunk tank.

I took two good friends with me to the Exercise Physiology department at SFSU. There the technician weighed me, checked my height, and sat me in a tank of water on a scale. I repeatedly dunked myself, held very still and expelled all my air. After several consistent readings, the tester plugs the values into a formula and out pops a number. It varies by age, by sex, and believe it or not, very slightly by race. (The Japanese are built differently than most of us for some reason.)

I was told that for a male my age, body fat of less than 16% is healthy, less than 20% is good. When I started this long-overdue journey last August, I weighed 352.2 lbs. According to the goal weight recommended by the BMI, my target was 195, which as you’ll see, is unattainable, even undesirable for me. Here are my final numbers:

214.6 lbs. 192.2 lbs of lean body mass. 10% body fat. Almost 140 lbs lost in less than a year. over 200 lbs lost from my all-time high.

I’m done, and my doctors agree. I hereby declare this dream “come true.”

For those gambling on how long it’s going to take for me to regain all this weight, here’s a tip to avoid losing your shirts. Don’t ever bet against me. I am making it my mission in life to take you down.

Onto the next dream, fellow dreamers – what’ll it be?

PS: This is for the people I’ve lost.

I wanted to do this with you, but you had to leave. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it before now. I promise never to waste this precious life again. Don’t wait up for me. It’s going to be awhile. Look at me Grandma! I did it!

Nothing will ever be the same again. Thank Christ.

As of this tuesday, I’m 232 lbs. Down 120 lbs since August 10th. I have new clothes, a new outlook, and I may have added more than ten years to my life. I look and feel completely different. When I smile now, remarkably, I mean it. So why does everyone have something negative to [...]]]>

As of this tuesday, I’m 232 lbs. Down 120 lbs since August 10th. I have new clothes, a new outlook, and I may have added more than ten years to my life. I look and feel completely different. When I smile now, remarkably, I mean it. So why does everyone have something negative to say?

“Damn – are you sure it’s healthy?”
“You didn’t look fat before.”
“You’re just a really big guy.”
“You’ve lost enough – you don’t want to get too skinny!”
“Fasting? That’s dangerous – who are these doctors, anyway?”
“How can you possibly survive on 500 cals a day?”
“Doesn’t your metabolism slow down dramatically?”
“What are you going to do when you start eating food again?”
“But, you’ve lost it all before and gained it all back.”
“How are you going to handle temptation?”
“Come on, live a little, you’ve earned it.”

I get these questions or variants of them every single day. From acquaintances, from family, from friends, from total strangers eavesdropping they come, curiosity laced with disbelief and shaded by their own peccadilloes. Some of the people asking these questions are people I love. Why can’t they simply accept the miracle they see with their own eyes and be happy for me?

The answer is: people hate change. It’s as simple as that. I can prove it to you – try something different, radically different, and see what people say. Don’t just tell people what you intend to do, though that will certainly elicit opinions – act on it. Start training for that marathon. Start writing that book you’ve been working on since college. Start canceling nights on the town so you can take Spanish class, or Yoga, or a martial art. Start it and see what happens.

Then you’ll be emailing me saying, “I never would have noticed it before but people are COCKS.” Mixed in with the backhanded compliments and initial happy surprise are heavy dollops of personal biases and angry discontented inertia. As the Japanese say, “The nail that sticks up will be hammered down.”

Anyone making a move toward his dream immediately makes the others think about their own and why they haven’t yet come true. Perhaps they’re not thinking, “Who does that asshole think he is?” but they certainly are feeling it. It rocks the boat. Instead of “Don’t change – I like you just the way you are.” it’s “Don’t change – I like my life just the way it is.” And so they push on you. Subtly, softly, with a smile and a compliment, but they push.

Try it and you’ll see. And maybe now you’ll notice that the people who love you the most are probably the ones who enable your bad habits the most. They are the wife who overfeeds you, the boyfriend who encourages you to hang out at a bar when he should know you have a problem with alcohol, the gambler buddy who talks you into wasting hours playing no limit hold ‘em when you should be painting the house, the brother who brings you a little blow to ‘take the edge off.’ Insert your own example here. They love you, and they love you right where you are.

How do you swim upstream against such a tide? If everyone is a pod-person, how long can you possibly stay awake? Why not go with the flow? Why make everyone else unhappy – isn’t that selfish? Yep, it sure is. But guess what? If you want to accomplish anything out of the ordinary in your life, you need to be selfish. In fact, you need to be a dick.

“Nice guys finish last,” could be the most profound statement of all time. It doesn’t just apply to the guy in the PG-13 movie who we’re all hoping makes it happen with Mary Jane. It applies to the guy trying to lose weight, or the girl trying to get an education, or the mother trying to start a small business. It also applies to small things like the passive person trying to buy a car, or a house. Even to the nice guy in the karate class. In the long run, we may have a karmic surplus, but here on Earth, we have our asses handed to us.

When I started this program, I was borderline diabetic, having had Type II before, had high blood pressure, high resting heart rate, elevated liver function, high cholesterol, aches and pains, and my wife said my head looked like a potato. I knew immediately this program would work, and so I vowed to do whatever it took to see it through. My wife didn’t understand the process, and having the kids around didn’t help. So I did the unthinkable – I sent them away, overseas to live with the in-laws.

I stopped attending parties and informal dinners. I scaled back on my work – took fewer clients, worked remotely when possible. When people would talk about food, I would change the subject, forcibly. It really threw them off. I would avoid my enabling friends, at least in dangerous contexts, and I avoided my own enabling instincts by filling myself up with allowed foods. Hard to crave ice cream when you’re full on sugar-free popsicles. I emptied my cupboards, filled my schedule, and kept my head down. I didn’t even cut myself a break. Because when it comes down to it, your own inertia is the most powerful of all.

This reminds me of a saying I came up with in college, more than 10 years ago. It’s a pity it didn’t sink in until now. I think the best version of it is this:
“Do something once and it changes your mood.
Do it again and it changes your outlook.
Make it a habit and it changes your life.” –me

What I’m doing now is nothing short of completely reprogramming myself. This does not come easily. There are setbacks and drawbacks and takebacks and maybe even brokebacks. But I will persevere. What choice do I have? After all, it’s not “you are what you do.” It’s probably more like “You are what you do daily.” You are your habits, essentially. Any substantive change will be hard, and you’ll be fighting yourself the whole way. What I’m also telling you is you’ll be fighting everyone else as well.

My sister and her husband visited and reported back home that I was “eating sugar-free candy like crazy” and about my psychotic subject-changing. I didn’t mind. I could see their point, but I wasn’t about to let it stop me. I’m hoping when I’m done, they will all see it was worth it. Every missed lunch, dinner, or client. It was all in service to my goal.

Focus. Dogged Intensity. And Perseverance. If people want to call that being obsessed, fine. But that’s how things get done. That’s how molds get broken, and that, my friends, is how lives get changed. Not by being a nice guy. But temporarily, single-mindedly, being a dick.

Don’t go out of your way to hurt someone, but if you have something to do in this brief rabbit-fart of a life we have, DO IT. Don’t mess around, or you’ll be sitting on a stoop in your 80s talking about someday breaking out the easel and painting that masterpiece, or completing that dissertation. What would you do to have everything you ever wanted? Do it now.

And whatever you do – don’t let the bastards get you down. Now let me forcibly change the subject. </rant>

checked my weight yesterday and I’ve gained a bit in the last week. When you’re not fasting, you retain water, so I expected a small uptick. I’ll be checking daily to see what the real number is. I’m not alarmed. As long as I make it back to SF without having gained too much, [...]]]>

checked my weight yesterday and I’ve gained a bit in the last week. When you’re not fasting, you retain water, so I expected a small uptick. I’ll be checking daily to see what the real number is. I’m not alarmed. As long as I make it back to SF without having gained too much, I can call that a success.

I think my wife is trying to set up my friend Igor with her friend Betty. The language barrier is huge. Odds are not in favor. I put down $50.

went to a huge Asian art exhibition – they turned a whole river park into a museum, with floating creations of cloth, wire, and light. It was spectacular. Each country in Asia had a contingent. I don’t know who won, but I think, in the end, we all did. And that’s… one to grow on!

There were also close to a half a million people there last night. It’s kind of hard to have 100% fun when you’re always checking your pockets and your camera. After mine got stolen in the Dominican, I do everything but Duct Tape it to my hand.

what the hell is the tape for?

When looking for a quote to put on your fake DVD cover, next time try and understand what it means, OK?

apparently this is a crossing for men and their flying girlfriends.

I have no idea what a masterfiece is, but if it’s the way Dismas and I use that word, I’m glad I didn’t touch this box.

we now pause for station identification.

not just any yatch – a DYNAMICAL yatch.

More wrinkles than an elephant’s sac.

UPDATE: I used to have a picture of a kid peeing in the middle of an alley at the top of this post. I got a few comments like, “Okay, dude, why the kid penis?” but I usually don’t remove things once they’re up. I’m not afraid of making mistakes. When I wrote this post I was exhausted, tired, and it was kind of funny to me at the time. Recently, a couple of pederasts left some nasty comments about it and it had to come down. I’m all for free discourse, but once again, the NAMBLAns ruined things for the rest of us.

Okay – from this picture to this one and back again. A 400-lb roundtrip journey. 200 up, 200 down. I’ve a longer post in me, but let this set the record straight, since I’ve been getting a ton of emails about this.

This last 110lb+ push toward my goal weight has been possible thanks [...]]]>

Okay – from this picture to this one and back again. A 400-lb roundtrip journey. 200 up, 200 down. I’ve a longer post in me, but let this set the record straight, since I’ve been getting a ton of emails about this.

This last 110lb+ push toward my goal weight has been possible thanks to the Weight Management Program in San Francisco. I’ve learned a ton, and continue to, about myself, others, calories, nutrition, and life. It’s changed me forever. A quick summary.

– I was fasting from August 10th until this past Saturday. about 5.5 months.

– by fasting, I mean just enough calories and protein to keep from autodigesting my own heart tissue. I averaged about 700 cals a day.

– This was doctor-supervised. Every week we have class and checkups, sometimes including blood work, urinalysis, and EKG. This is the program doctors send their superfat patients on before they get surgery. It’s also the last stop before gastric bypass.

– it wasn’t cheap, but when you factor in the money I saved not buying Jelly Bellies, pizza, and Mitchell’s ice cream, it was probably a wash. If you have Brown and Toland insurance, they’ll cover at least some of it. Seriously, worth every single penny.

– I NEVER felt hungry. I ALWAYS had energy. I only felt sick once, and that was at Magic Mountain. I guess fasting and roller coasters make one ill. But other than that, it was spectacular. Yes, i worked out – mainly walking on treadmills and weightlifting. Some kung fu, running, and lately, basketball.

– The source of my energy is something called ketosis. [this is my simple explanation, IANAD] When you don’t eat enough sugar, your body makes you feel hunger. When that doesn’t make you eat, after 3 days or so, your body finally says, “Screw it, I’m making my own sugar.” Once that switch is flipped, it stops asking for food and uses your fat to create sugar. Hence, i was never hungry. And since I had plenty of fat, that means I had plenty of energy to go around. [note: if you do this the wrong way, protein will be used to create sugar, and that will include your heart muscle - bad times - make sure you consult a doctor first.]

– I lost about 5 lbs a week. No, that’s not too fast. No, my immune system wasn’t impaired. In fact, I didn’t get even the sniffles in the last six months. I did, however, get the gout. In my case, it was from being dehydrated.

– My cholesterol plummeted. My blood pressure is normal for the first time in my life. My resting blood sugar is perfect (I used to be diabetic.) And i don’t crave sweets or have to take a nap in the afternoons like I used to.

– I took metamucil daily, so my bowels worked normally. Thanks for asking.

– Yes, I have some loose skin, but it’s not that bad. Some of that will tighten up. I’ll revisit in a year to see how it looks. I’m not above a tuck. Yes, I’ll show you if you ask me in person.

– I have to thank my buddy Dan Pardi for telling me about this kind of system and my doctor, Denise Smart, for pointing me to this particular program.

– to affect any change, you have to be willing to do what it takes to win. For me, it was sending my family overseas. Not easy at all. But it allowed me to get the job done. Now we can be a family again without me sneaking out to McDonald’s twice a day and trying to hide the smell from my wife. Or having to teach Tatiana to bowl left handed cause daddy’s diabetes took his other foot. I must be drunk again.

– the best thing you can do to start moving in the right direction is keep a food log. Seriously, it’s simple and easy to do. Write down every single thing you eat or drink that has calories. Be brutally honest, and eventually you’ll see where those extra pounds are coming from. Calculate your caloric totals weekly using a site like calorieking.com. You should be eating about ten times your weight in calories daily. Keep that in mind when you have the bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box. It’s 1080 calories. Or about half of my daily allowance in a single sandwich, if you want to call it that.

– Yes, I’m worried about regaining the weight. I’ve been armed with knowledge and I keep strict records of what I eat, so I can’t be caught totally by surprise. For those of you convinced that I will regain it: Quit being so pessimistic. Or jealous, or whatever that is. Be happy for me. Failing that, eat it.

I arrived in HK safely with my buddy Igor, still fasting and relatively intact.

I never thought eating would fill me with [...]]]> long post means much has happened. I’ll keep it as brief as I can – wife is waiting and kids are finally asleep. Don’t make me spell it out.

I arrived in HK safely with my buddy Igor, still fasting and relatively intact.

I never thought eating would fill me with such trepidation. Nay, let’s call it abject fear. In my mind’s eye, I pictured myself instantly regaining all the weight I’ve lost (111 lbs) in a flurry of tearing clothes and fart sounds. It didn’t happen.

wife was SHOCKED when she saw me. Tatiana didn’t recognize me, but knew me by my voice. She gave me a big, if hesitant, hug. And my 6-month-old son thinks I’m hired help. I caught my wife’s shock on tape. She then spent the next few days trying to convince me to refatten back to 280 lbs. Fat chance! (sorry about that one.)

two great tastes that belong together.

there are many ways to protect one’s yard.

Under “Seasonal Fruit Dishes”, they list brands of cigarettes. “These strawberries taste like grandma’s tracheotomy hole!”

Hong Kong at night wins. hands down.

My nephew is the talk of the town. He is cleaning up in the new year red-envelope-grab.

This sounds like a Sikh Food Fight.

then what the hell is a bargain for?

it’s only a store, fokker.

he’s still the man here. That makes me The-Man-In-Law.

If this reads right to you, try again. All Aboard!

even at my goal weight, I may never be that flexible.

I missed them like one would miss a lung.

what would make someone walk by this bin and say, “Honey? How about we stay in and fry up some scorpions?”

Should the next word be “here” or “elsewhere?”

I wouldn’t dream of it…

Best. backpack. ever. It also doubles as a hamper.

When your product is food, aren’t quality and taste the same exact thing?

northern chinese bum, writes long missive in chalk, expects rewards, gets zero. In the US he’d already have been in two Soundgarden videos.

My expat friend Mark in HK. His Mandarin makes my Cantonese look like your Basque. He took us to the best dumpling place ever.

so what am I supposed to do: get in the way?

i love how the logo is two yellow spheres nestled close together. In fact, I really love it.

Corn with Beacon? You’re insane! And while we’re at it, just toss out a WTF? for each of the other pizzastrosities. And only here would Buttered Toast be in the same category.

That last sentence shits all over English Grammar.

the 80s are IN here, BIG TIME.

I wonder if they know that 361 degrees is another way of saying 1 degree. Well, in a circle, anyway…

Still waiting – okay, wrapping this up…

exercise the power NOW

I might have to get this on a poster – what the hell else do you use your brain for? ballast?

In Mong Kok – the word throng just pales.

This one has it all – a vague yet intriguing command, a little-used-in-Amwerican-English word, and an evocative but mildly disgusting mascot. Good Times.

I leave them for a few months, and my daughter learns an entire language, how to ride a bike, and good manners. I have several bachelor friends who should come here and do the same,

After 20 weeks, I’m down exactly 100 lbs. The little rise at the beginning of the graph is the time after orientation and before actual fasting. ‘Twas the time of the Brotherhood of Meat.

This has happened so quickly that it’s still all brand new. I’m still shocked that I can cross [...]]]>

After 20 weeks, I’m down exactly 100 lbs. The little rise at the beginning of the graph is the time after orientation and before actual fasting. ‘Twas the time of the Brotherhood of Meat.

This has happened so quickly that it’s still all brand new. I’m still shocked that I can cross my legs, so I sit like that all the time. Every time I see myself in the mirror it takes a second to realize what I’m seeing. I can’t wait to see my wife and children again. The last ten years have been physically erased. Hallelujah.

You Hope And You Dream
But You Never Believe That’s Something Is Going To Happen For You
Not Like It Does In The Movies
And When It Actually Does
You Expect It To Feel Different
More Visceral
More Real
I Was Waiting For It To Hit Me

I Still Believe In Paradise
But Now I know Its Not Some Place You Can Look For
Because Its Not Where You Go
Its How You Feel For A Moment In Your Life
And IF You Find That Moment

It Will Last Forever

To quote A-Ha, “I Dream Myself Alive.”

Anyone can do this. If there’s something paining you, please, don’t wait ten years like I did. Fix it. Ask for help. Change your perspective. make it happen. Dream yourselves alive.

Weeks on fast: 20
Weight lost: 100.0 lbs
progress towards goal: 66%
body weight lost: 28.3%
BMI before: 44
BMI now: 32

Here’s to a Happy New Year. I love you all. Yes, even you.

what a fat pile of crap. I’m shocked every day that my wife saw the diamond in the rough. But I’m glad she did.

christmas 1999, i think. god damn.