so there we were in Amman, Jordan. Graciously being shown around by my good friend’s sister. We entered a store, me in search of manglish and trinkets.

But then something caught my eye. Amidst a bunch of books strewn on the floor, lay one that screamed out, “Hi there, neighbor!”

< FIGHTING IN [...]]]>

so there we were in Amman, Jordan. Graciously being shown around by my good friend’s sister. We entered a store, me in search of manglish and trinkets.

But then something caught my eye. Amidst a bunch of books strewn on the floor, lay one that screamed out, “Hi there, neighbor!”

< FIGHTING IN THE WAY OF JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME >

JCVD! Apparently the Jordanians have a refined taste in men. The arabic says something like, “The life & fighting art of Jean Claude Van Damm.” I told my friends I wanted it, and they asked how much. The owner responded with a high price. Nadia laughed and said NO WAY. The owner stammered, “But it’s one of my best sellers!” Even he couldn’t believe what he’d just said, so he relented.

< THE AMERICAN HERO, VAN DAMME >

There his majesty is, posing with the patron saint of kung fu.

And again, with his “gay lumberjack” outfit. This goes on for a few pages. And hey, why does it say, “METH” on bruce’s leg?

< BRUCE LEE, THE KING OF KUNG FU >

Some contextless shots of Bruce Lee again. Just thrown in for flavor.

a series of uncomfortable fighting poses and unexplained moves.

Okay – an overview of the fists in this system. The half-assed ram, the dagger fist, and WTF? Donatello?

When learning the Way of Jean Claude Van Damm, it’s essential to know how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would perform it.

But wait – the Turtle hasn’t moved. Perhaps it’s because he’s just turtle slow.

The turtles do their own thing while the fetus from Aliens looks on.

GOD I WISH I HAD THIS AS A POSTER

the five fists of van damm, AND the shitting turtle form.

A groin punch with a gigantic fist seems like a cheap shot.

Disco guy gets owned by van damm’s turtle fighting system. The whole book seems to be a poorly hand-drawn copy of “Tao of Jeet Kune Do” (Bruce Lee) interspersed with Jean Claude and the ninja turtles. A truly inspired creation.

A fantastic find in a land of untapped manglish. More to come. Salaam!

(light pollution can be pretty.)

Forgive me, dearest readers – i have not forgotten thee. I have been both busy and away, taking turns at each. But I brought you a present!

Many, actually, but let’s start with a bang. So I was in Jordan.

and they had an amusing Manglish level.

The view from my hotel room here in Israel. Very nice way to wake [...]]]> I’m in the Middle East on business and thought I’d update everyone. I haven’t forgotten about you all, and I fully intend to keep this up. Life, as you know, gets in the way. So I’ll do my best.

The view from my hotel room here in Israel. Very nice way to wake up. This place is amazing.

Pretty current picture of the gang. Bonnie, Clyde, and Babyface Nelson. You should see the fights they get into! Missing them right now.

Allah Oop. Definitely a foul on him.

Just because I have been under the radar doesn’t mean I’ve lost my Mangneticism. Not only does Manglish jump out at me like a zit on an ass, but my friends and readers help, too. Here are their zits. Let’s pop them together, shall we?

1.) From reader Jim Holt, who took it “in [...]]]>

Just because I have been under the radar doesn’t mean I’ve lost my Mangneticism. Not only does Manglish jump out at me like a zit on an ass, but my friends and readers help, too. Here are their zits. Let’s pop them together, shall we?

1.) From reader Jim Holt, who took it “in Yangshuo, near Guilin.”

Marlboro, like Mickey Mouse and adidas, is one of the most mangled brands worldwide. In their defense, however, it’s a hard name to get phonetically – it sounds like you’re gargling marbles… or I guess they might be tumors. Anyway, they get a slight pass for it being hard. But wait – NO. Especially in China, where even preschools have smoking sections, they should have gotten this. No free pass. Good find, Jim!

2.) Reader Arlen Trichardt sends in these next two from across the pond. “I thought these Manglish submissions would help you out, the thing that makes them unique is that they’re both from locations in central London. The one with the delivery van was taken near Paddington Green, and the “exit” light was taken inside a mall called the Trocadero near Picadilly (and subsequently removed about a week later!). ” Cheers, Arlen!

Man this is funny in a few ways. Can I laugh at this without being added to the No-Fly list?

You there – This area is only for people who exist! If you’re not going to exist, I suggest you go elsewhere.

3. Friend Rick Mann send in this beaut: “My girlfriend got her car serviced at Saturn of Santa Clara, and they gave her this hand-crank LED flashlight/cell phone charger for free. It comes with 3 or 4 adapter plugs to fit various cell phones (except, of course, USB).”

I didn’t catch this until looking at it a few times. Wasn’t Eternai the planet He-Man was from? Or did I just mangle that? Come to think of it, He-man’s slogan was kind of redundant – “By the power of Greyskull, I have the power!” But who’s going to correct He-man? He rode a frigging TIGER, people! Where the hell was I?

“convenient schlep and storage” I’d love to get my hands on a Yiddish-Chinese dictionary.

“..the light of diode will be darken with the past of time.” Isn’t that Confucious? or Confusious?

“Our company will not be responsible for the appeal relevant to refitted product.” Of course not – if I improve your crap, *I’m* responsible for the appeal, right?

“plug in slowly under the precondition of acknowledgement?” Sounds like a good alternative to “No means No.”

Dude, this packaging is resulting in inner confusion and causing useless. Not only is it confusing, it’s too self-deprecating. Come on, you’re not that bad – are you?

More coming very soon – thanks to everyone for your comments and submissions!

She’s about to have another little brother any minute. We’re all a little stressed out. Of course, if I say that out loud, The Wife sarcastically tells me I have it hard, then tries to hit me. Luckily she can’t waddle that quickly.

Found by my dad in JapanTown – no, “Dack” is [...]]]>

She’s about to have another little brother any minute. We’re all a little stressed out. Of course, if I say that out loud, The Wife sarcastically tells me I have it hard, then tries to hit me. Luckily she can’t waddle that quickly.

Found by my dad in JapanTown – no, “Dack” is not its name. It’s a DUCK.

NO ONE is more Mangled than our friend Midkby Mouse. Seriously, I’ve seen this guy’s name written a hundred different ways. You think Disney’s Gestapo will spare you, Dyslexic Chinese Pirates?

I’m constantly amazed at how blunt Chinese culture can be. Our Western beating-around-the-bush can frustrate my Chinese family to no end, too. This girl, a friend of wife’s friend, mailed my wife her picture. She then called every few days asking if we had any eligible male friends. And by eligible, she meant “single and prepared to marry.” I know this behavior exists everywhere – after all Chinese aren’t a different SPECIES. With them, though, it’s just all laid out on the table. Being Western, I was too polite to suggest she tear up her Old Navy credit card and find a different hairdresser.

From a school notebook. Man this sounds familiar…

so does this… another notebook, more song lyrics.

“Me and Warren G had to Collabolate.”

Wow, it’s like you can see into my very souler.

From the Foshan newspaper article about my wife and I. I guess it’s obvious it’s about me. Plus, there’s some awesome manglish on the right. The article says something about my wife being modest, and I ostensibly replied, “No, Beauty.” Instead of, “No, you’re beautiful.” is this only interesting to me? Probably.

I remembered Chuck E. Cheese from my own childhood as an exciting haven of games, pizza, and robotic mammals. When I hit puberty, my cousin and I would pillage the dumpster for tickets, take them inside, redeem for food and trinkets, rinse, repeat. Good times. Then it became the most hilarious Chinese Restaurant in the world. They didn’t even remove the robots or change any decor! I guess every year-of-the-rat, they looked like geniuses… Anyway, that was in Alaska many moons ago. Recently, I took my kids to see Sir Charles and I actually felt like a friend had died. Or at least come down with a debilitating drug addiction. This place is PATHETIC now. The games are weak, the pizza is like prison food, and the most exciting thing that happened for any of us went down like this:

Okay, so I’m kinda dumb, as my wife likes to point out. I remembered Chuck E. Cheese being expensive back in the day, and the games being compelling, right? I bought a TON of tokens. Waaaaaaay too many. Like $20 worth. Laugh it up. Like I said, the games were so weak, it’s impossible to even use those tokens. So Wife yelled at me until our fun was threatened. I asked the staff for a refund. No can do.

I recognized the assistant manager. “Hey didn’t you used to run the Safeway on Potrero?” “Yeah, hey how are you?” “Good – can you help me out here?” “Sorry – this machine doesn’t give receipts.” Now insert the most uncomfortable silence between semi-acquaintances of all time. We were both embarrassed to be there, and neither of us came out of that transaction emotionally unscathed.

Wife wasn’t happy, our kids were bored silly, mouth breathers were running around screaming, and I had about ten pounds of unused tokens in a cup. I couldn’t care less about the $20 – it was the MISTAKE that dug at me. I knew I’d never live it down. So I actually followed the staff’s advice and SOLD our tokens to an incoming family. For some reason, very hard for me to do. But I did, then picked up my soiled dignity and soiled kids and got the hell out of there. NEVER to return. Up yours, Chuck!

From my dad – if you’re not bilingual you either get BLAH BLAH BUTCHER-SHOP, or LOST COST BLAH. Either [...]]]> Thanks to everyone who sends me manglish in the wild – it’s a big world, but sooner or later, it’s going to start going away. So let’s find it and document it while we’re able!

From my dad – if you’re not bilingual you either get BLAH BLAH BUTCHER-SHOP, or LOST COST BLAH. Either way, you should be CONFUSO.

Well, as long as it’s GEUNINE LTEAHER! Why didn’t you say so? You mean it’s veritable OwcHide? (thanks david mcgowan !)

Wow – nothing sexier than illiterate Lesbies! Dammit, I said Streap! (thanks to Allison in Holland !)

Can someone please get them a Politically Correct dictionary? Or can we just adopt their blunt verbiage? (thanks, LEX10 for finding and sharing it!)

Okay, compensate me the ten minutes I spent trying to understand your Mission Statement. Next time use some Mad Libs, they’ll be more readable.

Man Minnie sounds like a FREAK. She guggies THELS? Swaly, even. Especially when she’s keppie with this heat. take heed.

Damn, sounds like I should invest more heavily in the Mickey – seems like it’s up against the yen and dollar. (Thanks for those last three to Steph Guan!)

More soon, folks, including some news of mainstream news coverage, hopefully. Stay tuned!

Still alive, thanks for asking. My life is crazy. Kid #3 on the way, tons of work, and in-laws now living with us. I can’t wait to tell you all about it. But first things first – I have what you came for…

at last.

if you don’t see it at first, [...]]]>

Still alive, thanks for asking. My life is crazy. Kid #3 on the way, tons of work, and in-laws now living with us. I can’t wait to tell you all about it. But first things first – I have what you came for…

at last.

if you don’t see it at first, don’t feel bad. We’ll wait for you….. there you go, atta boy.

advice for life? or watch repair? both?

I think the Goatse is following me.

is this like Nutella? Or like a Cadbury Creme Egg? (I can see how they sounded this out : “Hey, anyone know how to spell coconut? ” “Yeah, probably ‘cocoa’ plus ‘nut.’ Ask Henry, he speaks English.” Henry, gulping, “Um, yeah, looks good to me.” I can’t believe I just acted that out in my head.

1. Chinese people love them some cartoony pajamas.
2. They’re a GREAT source of manglish or whatever this is.
3. Danch Danch Revolution. Wanted to say it – didn’t see how to fit it in. Let’s move on.

that comma after new taste is really bothersome…. QUIT LOOKING AT ME!

From the other side of this box – Good source of vitamines and fattiness! But lookee here – 58 mg of AUTUNITE! Which is…

“A yellowish, fluorescent minor ore of uranium”

“Autunite is one of the more attractive and popular radioactive minerals.”

RADIOACTIVE. That may explain all the different fonts – poor graphic designer was bleeding from the gums and eyes.

Fruit Relish is vaguely disgusting, but the reason I grabbed this is I’m fairly sure this is Mangled Japanese again. Since these Japanese fruit treats are so popular, why not make some knockoffs and sell them to the unsuspecting? Shall we name Mangled Japanese? NiWrongo?

this one we’ll do it two parts. there is not ONE sentence correct on this box.

Wow, this is veritable material! There”s nobody can refuse this Europe flavor or the nourishment abundance! heads up, Manglians, THEY’RE COOKIES! No nourishment here.

crappy picture, awesome name. Superduty Garder Robot! Salvation in One! I may have to buy this.

handwritten signs are fertile grounds. I’m also glad to see the font from the original Star Trek getting some play.

Feel as reading real English. Fire up the powerful main-frame. My palm is so versatile.

After Snoopy’s sex change, Charlie Brown simply calls him “My Dog.”

This is either hilarious, or very poignant.

I’ll give some thought to more posts – at least one a week. Thanks for hanging in there! Veritable Material!

Dr. mahendra sharma (mahendra_sharma97@[removed].com) on Wednesday, October 11, 2006 at 07:42:48 Subject: marry with english lady ————————————————————————— ready for marry —————————————————————————

But the vast majority are good people, similarly tickled and fascinated by the [...]]]> Some of my readers are strange – like the lonely South Asian doctor looking for a British Wife.

Dr. mahendra sharma (mahendra_sharma97@[removed].com) on Wednesday, October 11, 2006 at 07:42:48
Subject: marry with english lady
—————————————————————————
ready for marry
—————————————————————————

But the vast majority are good people, similarly tickled and fascinated by the ways the most widely-used language on Earth is tortured and twisted and mistranslated into Manglish Here are some generous submissions from Arlen, Anthony Dawson, Steph Z Guan, Thomas Waldron, and Halima Brewer. Thanks for sending these in, folks!

I’m firmly of the belief that any danger sign should be understood at a glance. For this, I’d have to break out my word-of-the-day calendar. By then, I may already be dead.

Baby Pudgy should come with baby glucophage and a baby stomach staple.

Whatever happened to, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute?”

What’s with all these barbarian tourists they’re talking about? Are the Vikings back? Horned helmets and fanny packs?

You’re no fun – the only reason I came here was to fall down.

Fatal Drawing? What manner of creature lives in the Bridge Kiosk anyway?

Somewhere there’s a flower with John Travolta’s face. John Woo should be ashamed of himself, if not for the flower defacing, then for this line from, “Hard Target,” his first US movie. A lady is asking the mulleted Jean Claude van Damme about his past.

“Why are you named Chance?”
“My Momma took one.”

Shame on you, John. Shame.

Hi Labrador! I’m Golden Retriever, of the Minneapolis Retrievers. Awfully kind of the person who submitted his to blur the pedestrian, though I’m not sure it was necessary. It’s not like the guy’s shirt said, “I’m Hamas,” or “I’m IRA,” or “I’m Mormon.”

Lilang definitelty guided me to comprehend life and enjoy the grace feeling. i owe her everything. What is she, you ask? Why she’s a pair of khakis, of course. I ooze Sagacity.

Trust No One.

I can’t resort? No pitchmen? This place sucks! Come on, let’s go spit in the stairwell.

Go see if Isaac and Captain Stubing are ready to depart.

If it’s safe, why does it need attention? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME DOCTOR?

Whoa there, Typhoid Mary – I’m not sucking any kind of phenol, even to protect the wet composition. And since when does Small Pox have MILK? That must taste glossily.

Tasty Couture.

very subtle.

Anthony Dawson says, “On returning to my room I found this under my door ” It’s good to know the Chinese have solved the Bealth Care Crisis. How many people order the “Male Sexual Funtion Obstacle?” “Hi – yeah, my libido is out of control – can you send up some Estrogen and Hugh Grant movies?” Or is it some sort of outdoor Boot Camp for people with Erectile Dysfunction? I’m intrigued…

JET THIS MATTER AROUND PUBES THEN THE MAGICAL IMPRESSION WILL APPEAR AMID FIVE OR TEN MINUTES. I don’t care what it is – any matter jetted around pubes will likely have the same effect. This is genius – “caduceus flower of coition?” “The woman of erotic apathy is remedied to be classy?” I don’t need to add anything – I say it aloud and can’t stop laughing. excuse me while I wait for my magical impression. Here it comes…