rahoi.com

Manglificence

2007-04-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Still alive, thanks for asking. My life is crazy. Kid #3 on the way, tons of work, and in-laws now living with us. I can't wait to tell you all about it. But first things first - I have what you came for...

at last.

if you don't see it at first, don't feel bad. We'll wait for you..... there you go, atta boy.

advice for life? or watch repair? both?

I think the Goatse is following me.

is this like Nutella? Or like a Cadbury Creme Egg? (I can see how they sounded this out : "Hey, anyone know how to spell coconut? " "Yeah, probably 'cocoa' plus 'nut.' Ask Henry, he speaks English." Henry, gulping, "Um, yeah, looks good to me." I can't believe I just acted that out in my head.

1. Chinese people love them some cartoony pajamas.
2. They're a GREAT source of manglish or whatever this is.
3. Danch Danch Revolution. Wanted to say it - didn't see how to fit it in. Let's move on.

that comma after new taste is really bothersome.... QUIT LOOKING AT ME!

From the other side of this box - Good source of vitamines and fattiness! But lookee here - 58 mg of AUTUNITE! Which is...

"A yellowish, fluorescent minor ore of uranium"

"Autunite is one of the more attractive and popular radioactive minerals."

RADIOACTIVE. That may explain all the different fonts - poor graphic designer was bleeding from the gums and eyes.

Fruit Relish is vaguely disgusting, but the reason I grabbed this is I'm fairly sure this is Mangled Japanese again. Since these Japanese fruit treats are so popular, why not make some knockoffs and sell them to the unsuspecting? Shall we name Mangled Japanese? NiWrongo?

this one we'll do it two parts. there is not ONE sentence correct on this box.

Wow, this is veritable material! There"s nobody can refuse this Europe flavor or the nourishment abundance! heads up, Manglians, THEY'RE COOKIES! No nourishment here.

crappy picture, awesome name. Superduty Garder Robot! Salvation in One! I may have to buy this.

handwritten signs are fertile grounds. I'm also glad to see the font from the original Star Trek getting some play.

Feel as reading real English. Fire up the powerful main-frame. My palm is so versatile.

After Snoopy's sex change, Charlie Brown simply calls him "My Dog."

This is either hilarious, or very poignant.

I'll give some thought to more posts - at least one a week. Thanks for hanging in there! Veritable Material!

missive accomplished

2006-01-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

long post means much has happened. I'll keep it as brief as I can - wife is waiting and kids are finally asleep. Don't make me spell it out.

I arrived in HK safely with my buddy Igor, still fasting and relatively intact.

I never thought eating would fill me with such trepidation. Nay, let's call it abject fear. In my mind's eye, I pictured myself instantly regaining all the weight I've lost (111 lbs) in a flurry of tearing clothes and fart sounds. It didn't happen.

wife was SHOCKED when she saw me. Tatiana didn't recognize me, but knew me by my voice. She gave me a big, if hesitant, hug. And my 6-month-old son thinks I'm hired help. I caught my wife's shock on tape. She then spent the next few days trying to convince me to refatten back to 280 lbs. Fat chance! (sorry about that one.)

two great tastes that belong together.

there are many ways to protect one's yard.

Under "Seasonal Fruit Dishes", they list brands of cigarettes. "These strawberries taste like grandma's tracheotomy hole!"

Hong Kong at night wins. hands down.

My nephew is the talk of the town. He is cleaning up in the new year red-envelope-grab.

This sounds like a Sikh Food Fight.

then what the hell is a bargain for?

it's only a store, fokker.

he's still the man here. That makes me The-Man-In-Law.

If this reads right to you, try again. All Aboard!

even at my goal weight, I may never be that flexible.

I missed them like one would miss a lung.

what would make someone walk by this bin and say, "Honey? How about we stay in and fry up some scorpions?"

Should the next word be "here" or "elsewhere?"

I wouldn't dream of it...

Best. backpack. ever. It also doubles as a hamper.

When your product is food, aren't quality and taste the same exact thing?

northern chinese bum, writes long missive in chalk, expects rewards, gets zero. In the US he'd already have been in two Soundgarden videos.

My expat friend Mark in HK. His Mandarin makes my Cantonese look like your Basque. He took us to the best dumpling place ever.

so what am I supposed to do: get in the way?

i love how the logo is two yellow spheres nestled close together. In fact, I really love it.

Corn with Beacon? You're insane! And while we're at it, just toss out a WTF? for each of the other pizzastrosities. And only here would Buttered Toast be in the same category.

That last sentence shits all over English Grammar.

the 80s are IN here, BIG TIME.

I wonder if they know that 361 degrees is another way of saying 1 degree. Well, in a circle, anyway...

Still waiting - okay, wrapping this up...

exercise the power NOW

I might have to get this on a poster - what the hell else do you use your brain for? ballast?

In Mong Kok - the word throng just pales.

This one has it all - a vague yet intriguing command, a little-used-in-Amwerican-English word, and an evocative but mildly disgusting mascot. Good Times.

I leave them for a few months, and my daughter learns an entire language, how to ride a bike, and good manners. I have several bachelor friends who should come here and do the same,

this Bear is no Bitch

2006-01-21T02:23:00.000-08:00

My sister's japanese friend brought this back for her. It seems to read in japanese, "bear's bich." I can't even begin to wonder what a bich is. No, it's not teapot, or anything else I can easily parse. It's either complete gibberish, which the japanese love to toss out there every once in awhile, or it's the Japanese way of completely mispronouncing a foreign language. Now I want a bich...

random chinese strangers

2006-01-31T15:56:00.000-08:00

One of the benefits of having a wonderful new 500mm lens is that the normally gawky Southern Chinese can finally give me a shot besides an open-mouthed stare. It's hard to be a photographer when you stick out so much. Imagine Shaq coming to Union square and trying to get crowd pics. So I'm dedicating this trip to capturing the wonderful people I see all around me. Yes, I'll heckle, but I do it out of love.

I know exactly how you feel, kid.

oh yeah? here comes Atcion Man!

hey, get your face out of my ass!

is that what those folds are for? Again, direct all hate mail to me care of China.

Like Stockton and Malone, she's great at the pick and roll.

I think this symbolizes all the Chinese nouveau-riche waiting for the San Francisco Bay Area real estate bubble to pop so they can turn Hunter's Point into Chinatown South.

this picture is much funnier if you make the "curious caveman" sound like Tim Allen. In fact, I made that sound as I took this picture.

see previous comment.

I told you the 80s were back. It's kind of nasty. Imagine Pat Benatar showing up with Liza Minelli and Markie Post, all strung out on meth and wearing the same clothes they wore to the last People's Choice awards they attended. Then make them colorblind.

when attempting to look rough, avoid berets or beret-like hats at all costs. These guys could double for Robert Downey Jr. and his tool friend in Weird Science. I'll be Chet. Now all we need is a Chinese Kelly leBrock.

Laughably, my brother-in-law insists there are no homosexuals in China. This however, is evidence he may be right. I have a few gay friends this kind of fashion horror would kill instantly.

At first I thought, oh, a Caucasian kid with Chinese parents. Then I realized he is an Alchino. (Chinese Albino.)

Billie Jean Ching - I mean King. Or the Chinese Stephen King.

check out the air on that last guy. I wish i could have gotten a better vantage point. These guys deserve better pics. they were sick.

There has been a dramatic uptick in beggars here. They're all from the north and there's a fair amount of grumbling among the Southerners. I head they used to arrest all the homeless and kick them out of the city, but that law got repealed. Welcome to the first world, pals. It's called Human Rights, and it comes with a price. Anyone know how to say "Anything helps, even a smile" in Chinese?

The Chinese are not religious per se, but they do go to temples on occasion. When they go, however, they have weird customs rooted in neither logic nor Buddhist dogma. This one is "If you throw a coin and hit a turtle on the head, you'll have good luck." It probably arose because "hit turtle head" is a homophone for "your company goes IPO." Regardless, they gather around this pond and try to hit a huge statue of a turtle on its head. But alas, someone filled the pond with actual turtles. So people stand around during the week-long New Year's celebration and hurl down coins at live animals with all their might. And there's no cover; nowhere to hide. And they're usually swimming. I bet this is already a Japanese game show.

Lion dancing is not easy. And it's much harder to be the ass.

People hire my Father-in-law's Lion dancing team to ring in the new year (or for any auspicious occasion) for good luck and prosperity. In this case, they brought in the team to bring luck to a mall. Then, the team went all through it, doing a routine in front of each store and collecting lucky money along the way. Can you imagine you're trying on a nice new blouse and in barge two guys in a lion costume while a cacophony of drums and cymbals cover your screams?

I couldn't fit this anywhere else - I just liked this pic. So there. It's my site.

Now with 10% more manglish

2006-01-31T15:16:00.000-08:00

I've heard you can't ever really get nutlet out of silk.

Action Man is a man of action, not spelling!

While we're already violating a copyright, why not jut throw Snoopy in there? And how hard is it to check the spelling of McDs? too lazy to LOOK OUT THE WINDOW?

let's see we have regular, extra safe (whatever that means,) excita ribbed, and...JEANS? WTF? Denim must chafe like a mofo.

Rahoi's law: One times chopstick equals chopstick, even for very large values of chopstick.

Call me kooky, but if your gums are giving off a noticeable odor, I really don't think a toothpaste is the answer.

This one is chock full of english magma.
1. It's a State Banquet Beverage.
2. It's first in the world.
3. It's Orthodox.
4. It's made from coconut palm, not the wrist or fingers.
5. Magma?
6. Wait, it's NOT processing from coconut essence? Then what the hell's in it? nutlet?

As a man, I don't think I'm supposed to know what a Janitavy Towel is.

yeah yeah it's all funny english, but what the hell is that SQUARE of milk?

I'm getting like ten of these for Jason - I hope they live up to their name.

to lie fallow means to be (and I had to look this up to be sure):
1. Plowed but left unseeded during a growing season: fallow farmland.
2. Characterized by inactivity: a fallow gold market.
What a great way to advertise a food product - stagnation.

I wonder if that's Kosher... does a Force have hooves?

a pack of tissues. yes, it is.

naming a toothpaste "usage" is like naming a feminine hygiene kit "mileage." I will now read through my hate mail.

I think we all care our babies.

I can think of notning better to put on a pair of pajamas.

I don't even know where to begin. it feels like someone trying to hack into my brain.

let's just capitALIZE parts of words for EMPHAsis.

just rolls off the tongue, no?

I'll take the run quickly horse to win.

It's Michael Jordan's name in Chinese. Under that is Japanese gibberish, far as I can tell. "UAS! UAS! UAS!"

oh, if it's just a creatnicht, go right ahead. Again, these are pajamas. Maybe as you're falling asleep it all makes sense. Or maybe you wake up with your new programming and go attempt to kill random strangers.

What's my secret?

2006-01-31T13:04:00.000-08:00

Okay - from this picture to this one and back again. A 400-lb roundtrip journey. 200 up, 200 down. I've a longer post in me, but let this set the record straight, since I've been getting a ton of emails about this.

This last 110lb+ push toward my goal weight has been possible thanks to the Weight Management Program in San Francisco. I've learned a ton, and continue to, about myself, others, calories, nutrition, and life. It's changed me forever. A quick summary.

-- I was fasting from August 10th until this past Saturday. about 5.5 months.

-- by fasting, I mean just enough calories and protein to keep from autodigesting my own heart tissue. I averaged about 700 cals a day.

-- This was doctor-supervised. Every week we have class and checkups, sometimes including blood work, urinalysis, and EKG. This is the program doctors send their superfat patients on before they get surgery. It's also the last stop before gastric bypass.

-- it wasn't cheap, but when you factor in the money I saved not buying Jelly Bellies, pizza, and Mitchell's ice cream, it was probably a wash. If you have Brown and Toland insurance, they'll cover at least some of it. Seriously, worth every single penny.

-- I NEVER felt hungry. I ALWAYS had energy. I only felt sick once, and that was at Magic Mountain. I guess fasting and roller coasters make one ill. But other than that, it was spectacular. Yes, i worked out - mainly walking on treadmills and weightlifting. Some kung fu, running, and lately, basketball.

-- The source of my energy is something called ketosis. [this is my simple explanation, IANAD] When you don't eat enough sugar, your body makes you feel hunger. When that doesn't make you eat, after 3 days or so, your body finally says, "Screw it, I'm making my own sugar." Once that switch is flipped, it stops asking for food and uses your fat to create sugar. Hence, i was never hungry. And since I had plenty of fat, that means I had plenty of energy to go around. [note: if you do this the wrong way, protein will be used to create sugar, and that will include your heart muscle - bad times - make sure you consult a doctor first.]

-- I lost about 5 lbs a week. No, that's not too fast. No, my immune system wasn't impaired. In fact, I didn't get even the sniffles in the last six months. I did, however, get the gout. In my case, it was from being dehydrated.

-- My cholesterol plummeted. My blood pressure is normal for the first time in my life. My resting blood sugar is perfect (I used to be diabetic.) And i don't crave sweets or have to take a nap in the afternoons like I used to.

-- I took metamucil daily, so my bowels worked normally. Thanks for asking.

-- Yes, I have some loose skin, but it's not that bad. Some of that will tighten up. I'll revisit in a year to see how it looks. I'm not above a tuck. Yes, I'll show you if you ask me in person.

-- I have to thank my buddy Dan Pardi for telling me about this kind of system and my doctor, Denise Smart, for pointing me to this particular program.

-- to affect any change, you have to be willing to do what it takes to win. For me, it was sending my family overseas. Not easy at all. But it allowed me to get the job done. Now we can be a family again without me sneaking out to McDonald's twice a day and trying to hide the smell from my wife. Or having to teach Tatiana to bowl left handed cause daddy's diabetes took his other foot. I must be drunk again.

-- the best thing you can do to start moving in the right direction is keep a food log. Seriously, it's simple and easy to do. Write down every single thing you eat or drink that has calories. Be brutally honest, and eventually you'll see where those extra pounds are coming from. Calculate your caloric totals weekly using a site like calorieking.com. You should be eating about ten times your weight in calories daily. Keep that in mind when you have the bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box. It's 1080 calories. Or about half of my daily allowance in a single sandwich, if you want to call it that.

-- Yes, I'm worried about regaining the weight. I've been armed with knowledge and I keep strict records of what I eat, so I can't be caught totally by surprise. For those of you convinced that I will regain it: Quit being so pessimistic. Or jealous, or whatever that is. Be happy for me. Failing that, eat it.

bear with me

2006-01-31T16:07:00.000-08:00

Blogging is hard work. Sifting through a few hundreds pics every day is hard work. I'm doing my best, but encouragement helps. Tell your friends, tell me what you like and don't. Let me know you're out there. Click on "contact" and give me a piece. Just a taste. So here are some vanity pics for the interested.

more tomorrow, folks.

My Masterfiece

2006-02-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

checked my weight yesterday and I've gained a bit in the last week. When you're not fasting, you retain water, so I expected a small uptick. I'll be checking daily to see what the real number is. I'm not alarmed. As long as I make it back to SF without having gained too much, I can call that a success.

as you can see, I've lost my pubic hair and now have taken to peeing in the street. Plus, I'm brown. And my foreskin seems to have grown back.

I think my wife is trying to set up my friend Igor with her friend Betty. The language barrier is huge. Odds are not in favor. I put down $50.

went to a huge Asian art exhibition - they turned a whole river park into a museum, with floating creations of cloth, wire, and light. It was spectacular. Each country in Asia had a contingent. I don't know who won, but I think, in the end, we all did. And that's... one to grow on!

There were also close to a half a million people there last night. It's kind of hard to have 100% fun when you're always checking your pockets and your camera. After mine got stolen in the Dominican, I do everything but Duct Tape it to my hand.

what the hell is the tape for?

When looking for a quote to put on your fake DVD cover, next time try and understand what it means, OK?

apparently this is a crossing for men and their flying girlfriends.

I have no idea what a masterfiece is, but if it's the way Dismas and I use that word, I'm glad I didn't touch this box.

we now pause for station identification.

not just any yatch - a DYNAMICAL yatch.

More wrinkles than an elephant's sac.

Yickem

2006-02-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

this one deserved its own entry. I saw this when we sat down for lunch. I've lost some prime pics before to shyness or bad timing, so this time I was determined not to be a puss. Do you know how embarrassing it is to interrupt someone's meal and ask in a foreign language if it's okay to take a picture of their 13 year-old daughter? Well, now, i do. This is what I go through for you people.

The other version of this shirt that I saw and missed said "Mickery," which I find just as funny.

Welcome to Heaven

2006-02-06T00:48:00.000-08:00

When our taxi pulled up to this amusement park in Guangzhou, I almost dry-humped the driver. What could this wonderful world possibly hold for me? i am but a poor sinner with a camera.

apparently there are 5 parts to the park: English Street, an area for kids to learn our wunderbar language. Spaceflight Spectacle, an exhibit of Aerospace exploits of China and the world. (China takes credit for a great many things. I didn't see Goddard's name once, but then again, I didn't read everything they had up.) A Movie theater, perhaps playing movies about said exploits. A pond with spinning boats you can rent. No lifejacket required. And a huge hill, atop which sits a replica of the shuttle Atlantis in front of a nasty green waterfall. There's hardly anything inside the park except these extremely unrelated things.

The first thing to know about Chinese amusement parks is that they're dilapidated. It always depresses me to no end when I go to a park and there's one section that's totally run down, unused, with all of the bright colors ceded to blues, rust, and dirt. It's an everlasting record of someone aiming too high.

It's the middle of Chinese New Year holiday. It's 80 degrees, it's Saturday, and the place is EMPTY. I don't blame them - all of "attractions" are neglected and closed. English Street boasts a bevy, including an English Salon and English Karaoke. Instead, they get an alley of State Fair stalls made of planks and flaky paint that no one's sat in in a hundred years. The only remains are signs posted everywhere with basic english phrases and their Chinese translations.

The only problem is these appear to have been made by someone reading an English text in a very dark room, or through cataracts. Besides the plain mistakes, there are some very curious pieces of clip art attached.

And in some cases, it could be really misinterpreted.

but they're all great. I wanted to take them down and preserve them. Most are faded, torn, and weatherbeaten, but still legible.

As with all manglish, what in the HELL were they thinking? I wouldn't dream of writing instructions on Basic Chinese unless I knew for sure what I was writing. I'd check it ten times, pass it by a few native speakers, and only then press print. Either there's one sick American expat gleefully approving terrible English, or they're too freewheeling with their laser printers.

I'm frightened of that kid. How long did what last?

isn't this the opposite of "no pain, no gain?"

Your english su
cks

yeah, I'm not sure either. Of anything.

Happy? Enjoy?

2006-02-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

I say you had better be - Every morn I leave with huge camera bag in tow and come back with 500+ pictures. I'm having tons of fun, and I hope you are, too. I wish I could do this for a living.

We went to a temple yesterday - the big Quan Yin statue in XiChao. What an amazing place. The weather was perfect, the mood was right, the festivities were in high swing, and it felt like the day stretched on forever. At one point I turned to Igor and said, "You know, Heaven could be a place like this." He replied, "Well, yes, but without the firecrackers."

I loved the sound of the firecrackers. They're the perfect complement to a place as manicured as a temple. Try as you might to keep things all neat and tidy, the universe will send chaos your way.

We stayed there pretty much the whole day, and I went on my own with the big lens to take pics of the interesting folks. There were plenty.

Your combover is so very over.

the Chinese are the new Japanese. They take pics of everything, says the man who has taken a few thousand THIS WEEK. OK, I'm the new Japanese.

one of the bullet points is "running along."

LOOK OUT! A giant arrow is going to fall from the sky onto the train!

besides a travel agency, what could this possibly be?

I'm trying my damnedest to make best life, thanks.

I've never seen Spidey this out of shape.

This guy's not about to win Father of the Year. Can't the phone call wait until you get to the top of the stairs? Also: note the lack of diapers on the kid - there's just a trapdoor in the pants where the kids can squat and release anytime. It can be a shock to see, but it's good for potty-training. They stop using diapers very early. Lucky!

at dinner last night they used this to calculate the bill.

What division of the army wears this? The Slapping 69th?

I have nothing to add.

Fireworks - I have no idea what they were trying to say with that name.

oh, it's an ECOLOGICAL forest.

"Mommy, Mommy! Can I please have some shallot oil crackers? But Mo-om!"

no need to be shy about it. If you want an autograph, all you need to do is ask.

I don't have the heart to tell them. But I love how the pocket was sewn so that it partially covers the logo. Tell those spoiled kids they'll get no more lunch until they finish the new design!

wait...what?

Again, quoting a LINK is not the way to sell fake DVDs.

Since inventing fireworks, eons ago, the Chinese have done nothing but constantly set them off. It never gets old to them. This particular coil of crackers was like 50 ft. That hexagon at the end explodes in a loud-as-hell fire-nut like something out of Jerry Bruckheimer's wet dream.

These fireworks are set off to bring luck. As in, "Good Luck with that hearing aid."

Dismas calls this picture "Calvin and Throbs" which is why he's such a stone freaking genius.

This creepy guy was fixated on me. Loved the hair, and the Megan's Law Mustache, and it was only a bonus that he looked like the guy who kidnaps Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction.

No, it's not Russian. It's backwards. And even if it was rightways, it'd read "Happy-Spiderman. Spider-man." And also with you.

Holy Christ - was this really a movie?

lion dancing atop poles, running around like crazy fools - good times. Actually, very good times. More on this in a later post.

I think Google has become self-aware and is writing Tshirts to pay for bandwidth.

This is funnier if you sing it to the foreigner tune. "I'll be the VOICE. OF. HERO!"

A tasty morsel, it will make us, my precious. I hates hobbitses...

You making time with my girl, old man?

chinamusement parks pt II

2006-02-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

The name of this place was something like "Big World Park." 'Twas like Epcot center, an effigy of the world in miniature. The purpose of the park seemed to be to replicate the architecture of the world, without populating it with fake citizens.

Once again, they had a good idea. Their reproductions of the look of the American southwest and the churches and temples of earth are spot on, from the outside.

The only trouble is, it was DESERTED. It was like playing the game "Myst," in which the only puzzle to solve was how to go the bathroom without touching anything.

The only parts that contained any human activity were the animal park and the main stage, where "representatives" of other countries performed for a atypically polite Southern Chinese audience. The animal area was a brutal reminder of circuses before Soleil. This bear could do nothing but stand, face forward, or get choked. The lions and tigers were crammed together with a panther in a cage the size of a small bathroom. Very depressing, but not half as cruel as what happens daily at any area restaurant. Let's move on.

These guys were wearing jackets labeled "Ethiopia," so I'm assuming they were imported as part of this world showcase.

This girl was smoking hot. And talented, though I can't see this having applications in the real world.

Yes, even with the pit sweat.

Amazingly, the longest demonstration in the showcase was of a Chinese Qigong master. For those of you who don't know, Qigong is chinese for "complete B.S."

His strength supposedly came from his lifelong cultivation of his internal energy, which apparently prohibited him from doing even one sit-up.

And here I thought the Japanese were the only perverts in East Asia. I'll let you guess whether he's wearing pants in the bottom half of this photo.

Another segment was a guy who rode a bide like Tommy Lee did Pam Anderson. He rode it silly. And in the finale, he disassembled the bike while riding it.

There was one other section with activity - the rides. And I don't mean Space Mountain. I mean the rusty, scary-as-hell castoffs from the 1918 World's fair, run by people with even less education than the tattooed ex-con pulling the lever on the Tilt-a-Whirl at Coney Island. No way in hell was I getting anywhere near these damned things. But the few people at the park did.

One other thing to note about the park, besides an absolutely immense, though drained, swimming pool: There were many region-appropriate restaurants peppered throughout the park. But in keeping with Rahoi's law of Chinese amusement parks, they were boarded up, sadly unused, mini ghost towns where strudel, burgers, and flan once were served by girls in costume. The only place to get food was from the ubiquitous stand with dried snacks and two coolers, one for drinks and one for ice cream.

Even still, all considered, it was good times. One of these days, they'll get it right. I've heard that in the summer, this place goes off. I'll have to remember that when I'm at Magic Mountain with the other half.

That Feeling

2006-02-07T10:32:00.000-08:00

You'll know what I mean before I finish.

The weather is perfect, or perfectly bad. You're with friends and family. Time slows and you throb with the lazy pace of it, as if the world was humming to itself. Nearby, someone is cooking and it smells great, smoky, comforting. Maybe you're playing in the water. Perhaps you're playing ball with your best friends under the Midnight Sun. Or drinking 40s around a bonfire at the beach. You could be active, or maybe taking slacking to a whole new level. More often than not, music is playing in the background. There could be dancing, there could be kissing. It's different for everyone.

The specifics vary but the story is the same. There you are, in a day as long as time itself, your worries scared away like pigeons off a statue. You exist as your real self, one rid of concerns about homework, careers, action items, unaccomplished goals, body weight, mortgages, shortcomings, upcoming events, failed romance, minor inconveniences, and the rest of the infinity of crap we load on our own backs. We face the day as perhaps we were meant to, nakedly happy.

I've had these days from time to time, and I've tried to enjoy them without analyzing. I smile, I rarely say the word "no," and all things, for that brief time, make a reassuring kind of sense. You can't force it, but you know when it's happening.

My brother and I call it "The Feeling." Our definition was formed during a typical eternal summer day in Alaska, with a meandering sunset keeping watch over dad and his barbecue, smiling Samoyeds happily guarding the estate, and Mom gleefully mixing ketchup and mayo (an unholy fusion which I can easily blame 40 lbs on.) while we and our sister flat-out enjoyed ourselves. As we got older, there was perhaps mild drinking, but no one was wasted, at least on those days.

Later, ours suffered the general atrophy of many American families. We scattered, we each picked up an addiction of some kind (my sister, the luckiest, found ebay), we worked, surviving, barely, yet longing for something with no name. Mine, at least, was a life without form. There were pieces, there were stories. There were many life directions, and there was fun. But that Feeling was painfully absent.

I did what many do - I fashioned a family out of my closest, coolest friends. (I continue to do this.) People need people. And driving to work alone two hours each way to work only to sit in a cubicle for ten hours, then home to eat alone while warily watching your neighbors is no way to foster relationships. American culture is isolating.

I can hear my Dad's hackles rising. I can hear my brother-in-law's scorn across the Pacific. I love America. But we're little people islands - on the freeway, in office buildings, on treadmills with iPods, before a TV, before a computer, on the street, eyes forward, buying groceries online. And it's only getting worse.

I have cobbled together a great group of friends I see far too infrequently. We have fun when we can, but if you put all of the time we'll spend together from now until when we die - how much will that be? a week or two? To recapture that feeling, you need a family, a tribe - a pride.

I've found that Feeling again in my life. I'm trying to help my friends and family reconnect with it. It's possible. It's out there - it never left us - we left it. The first step is to relax. Don't sweat things. Worry is the polar opposite of the Feeling. Avoid it like the plague. Then surround yourself with your pride. Smile more. Stop, take a deep breath and let the sun/wind/rain/snow wash over you. You're not in control of the world - let God/Allah/Yahweh/The MCP take care of that. Enjoy the ride.

I recently saw that Feeling in action on a large scale. Hence this long post. My buddy Igor, my family, and I went to a nearby town. My father-in-law's lion dancing team was hired to come to a village and perform for a couple of hours, to ring in the new year and bring luck and prosperity to the tight-knit community.

Everyone was gathered around the town square, and I mean every single resident of the place. They stood around, smiling, gawking at me and my Eurasian kids, laughing when I took their picture, cheering the acrobatic stunts of the lion dancing and kung fu teams, and, yes, lighting off enough fireworks to alter Earth's orbit.

It was 80 degrees with a cool rambling wind. (Do you know how rare it is to see blue skies here?) The crowd was keyed up and so were we. Everyone was having a blast, I even started singing Ice Cube's "Today was a Good Day." in my head.

After the performances were done, the entire town filed into the square to eat a huge meal together. It's a New Year's tradition here. 3000 people, eating a spectacular dinner as one big pride under the dusky blue sky. It brought a tear to my eye. Fireworks followed food and then it was time for me and my small pride to go back to our den, tired and happy as could be, wrapped snugly in the warm blanket of The Feeling. I didn't even have to use my A.K.

So many days on this trip have contained me asking myself, "Is this Heaven?" And the answer, at each moment, was a resounding "YES." Because heaven's not a where, it's a when, and the Feeling is your escort and host. There you are, old friend - i missed you.

just a taste

2006-02-10T12:21:00.000-08:00

working on a series of large posts, with a TON of cool pics coming. Stay tuned. Until tomorrow, these will have to do...

what better metaphor for war than a sword made of money?

your pen is black.
your English, whack.

Okay, nice story but - WTF? Is the dog taking a CRAP? Is that before or after he went to buy a hot dog? Now I can see why the chick is crying. Bad dog.. let's NOT to be friends.

back to the Enlisgn

2006-02-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

I have so many of these to get to, it will take me a while - good for you guys, bad for my marriage. It's one thing to constantly be taking pictures of random things but it's quite another to spend all night cropping, resizing, posting, and commenting on them. You have to understand, most of these signs to her make sense - she's reading the Chinese. But for us, they offer that sweet flavor of - what was it? yes, something like this:

This tasted like pulpy Gatorade. I have no idea what the pulp was.

is that some kind of weight crack, buddy?

What's up my nighears?

oh it's naturally tropical, as opposed to what? Growing a carrot in the jungle?

I was loving the look of these tough looking Bon Jovi wannabes. I only later saw that he was wearing a coat from this place:

backstree's back - alright! yes, that's stree. It read the same on Jon Bon's jacket. And if they weren't officially queeny before that sonnet about the kitty, well, let's make it official.

why do all the clothes in here smell like Papa John's?

What does a hearty itinerary look like? Stew and potatoes, then rough sex and an argument?

I'm usually wary of anyone named "rondo" but this seals it.

aren't all buffets friendly?

The name of this restaurant is "Real Kung Fu" and, as you can see, they're using the world's favorite martial artist (Bruce Lee) to sell Chinese food. Or as they call it here, "food." I can just picture the terrible TV ads. "Your crane technique is no match for my Dim Sum and rice porridge!" Okay that's way funnier when you consider that I'm acting that out here in the house. And it's 2:30 AM. Did I mention I'm somehow married? and I'm in my 30s.

Call me immature, but somehow when it's written this way, it's wrong.

What I wouldn't give to youth her beautiful life. I'd youth it silly.

In america, I think they call this "cocaine."

I think infinitives are bad for business.

Wait...where? Ahhhhhhhh! Don't you think they should get it right when someone's life and limb are at stake?

So should I use it, and thereby save? Well, just to be safe, I left all the faucets running. I'm expecting a check any day now.

In my mind, inside there's a quartet playing while rich people eat brie and get enemas.

I think that about sums it up.

I was hungry, now I'm just confused.

Brought to you by the same ad wizards who convinced us that lemons had cleaning power - now get those nasty garlic smells out of your dishes with - more garlic!

My daughter's English may never ever recover from living here.

Every time I see a spelling mistake, I look at the keyboard to see if the keys were anywhere near each other, or if the correct letter looks a lot like the one they used. Nope...and nope.

This store's name epitomizes "the customer is always right."

King Very.

Wishful. Thinking.

I think this might be an actual shirt from the states. It works either way.

i have no idea what Wang sells here. honey? Or is it just a Christian Science Reading Room with an agitated hive swinging from a ceiling fan?

is this like the Eyes Wide Shut Party? Will I need to bring a mask and some nonoxynol 9?

What in christendom is a mario cookie? Shouldn't it be a super mario cookie? And is such a thing exists, how was Nintendo not involved? At least they could give us "Kooky Dongs" or "the Legend of Melba."

These candies are rated PG-13. With a glycemic index of 150.

dunno why this caught my eye - maybe because the top reads "tom yum flavored crackers." if I only knew exactly what flavor that was...

lucky - bearlucky - shot? In my mind - the bear is never lucky to be shot - unless it's with a tranquilizer and he's getting a root canal. And even then, he always ends up with that annoying radio tag that's like the size of a 2-liter of soda. Are you telling me that we can make an iPod nano, but we can't track a slow-moving animal that hibernates for 6 months with anything less than a Tonka truck dangling from its neck?

Nike and Adidas must bee shivering in their shoes. Okay, that was a typo, but I'm leaving it in.

this was on a box of tissue.

as you'd expect with a population that had to be limited to one kid each, these machines are as rusty and unused as the Ferris Wheel at English Fun World. I've never ever seen anyone even glance at them. They look like relics in "Beneath the Planet of the Apes."

Beware of White Guy

2006-02-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

This sign seems to say, "Beware strange caucasian gardening in your neighborhood - that mofo's crazy!"

Bubble in Paradise

2006-02-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

Had to postpone our flight home after I got mild food poisoning. Coincidence? Fate? Psychosomatic? i don't know for sure, but it prompted the following exchange with my brother-in-law, Guy:

"Maybe God doesn't want you to live."
[ choking ] "What? God wants me to die?"
"No - not to live." [ hand motions like a plane ]
"Oh - leave! leeeeve."
"liiive."
"Either way."

I've had to reduce the number of images on the main page, so only the last 3 posts are shown. Please go back and see the stuff I've been posting, if you haven't already seen it - Good Stuff. Pointless to most, comedy gold to the rest! And now back to the show:

I found a great example of mangled English on GOOGLE NEWS! And of course, it's from the Chinese Newspaper, XinHua. Ha Ha!

This is at least an eighthead.

the what? How does one know if one has a bumf?

Why even put English on the signs if it's just going to slow us down?

What exactly is this encouraging me to do? "Let's move it, there're people waiting to use the bathroom?"

Dammit - how many times have I told you not to stride in here?!?!

I put the pro in prohied.

nothing wrong, grammatically, but why the hell did they mention Wall Street?

Awesome baby toys - the top part of the package read thus, and the bottom:

Nothing can promote the interest of Mangled English like my site. More soon.

English Shards can kill

2006-02-13T02:52:00.000-08:00

spiral with chocolate flavor? These are condoms, right?

extra studded, this time fruity

Condoms with a delightful name that combines jizz and bonnet. Also presented with the lovely image of a dandelion spraying its seed into the air.

wait, let me write this down. First, I touch the fashion. Then, breathing. Wait, were my eyes supposed to be closed? Calm? I am calm! What's with the goddamned action items? You know what, Hopeshow? (if that's your real name) You can bring yourself a complete new style!

I want to be a part of it - Now Yort, Now Yort!

welcome BoingBoing readers!

2006-02-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

It's been very gratifying to read all the encouraging comments and emails from ye blessed carpetbagging readers! Thanks! And yes, I'm blessed to have such beautiful kids. Especially in the following cases:

My nephew Jordon asked me today, "Uncle Jon - do you remember my dream last night when we were both kids and we played together?" I thought it was cute that he'd dream of us being the same age and playmates, and that he expected me to remember it. Time to up the Ritalyn!

My daughter was throwing a tantrum at a friend's restaurant. I took her outside to calm down and to look at the live animals on display. I asked her what she wanted to eat, she screamed and writhed. i asked her,

"How about some ice cream?"
"No"
"Well, what, then?"
"I want to eat -- THAT!" and she pointed directly at the cutest bunny rabbit in the cage. At least I know she's really Chinese. Bless her heart. And yes, Thumper tasted like chicken.

Back to the show. Note: I am sitting on the mother-lode - something so rife with comedy I had tears streaming down my face. Expect that in the next few days. It will take some time to edit the pics.

the SGM stands for Super Guts Machine. 3 in 1 guts, to be exact. I think it was a transformer. I think they should work a Super Guts Machine into "Saw III."

a what's who? I keep expecting the waitstaff to speak the gibberish they're putting on the signs. Imagine a nation of people educated with this kind of English? "Crooked on Phonics."

Quick, let me ask if this is a restaurant or a massage parlor before my wife throws something at me. too late. It doesn't sound cheap. ouch!

With a name like that, I bet they don't have a big selection.

"I wonder why our stuff doesn't sell well overseas..."

I expected the Store Master to come out in the traditional kung fu outfit, then challenge me to a fight to save face. "My Finity Fist will destroy your 'Golden Swallow.'" Yeah, I need help.

Let one person understand this English. Let it known to world. (By the way, Foshan is where I live, at least when I'm in China.)

When you don't just have one acne, you have them all.

you could make me happy to...what? This was a Coca-Cola clock, by the way. Since when do corporations start speaking in the first person?

somehow, of all things, modesty gets the shaft most in translation.

a partial catch - spotted in the corner of the previous pic - the "Satisfied Gulf Restaurant." An evocative, if overstated, name.

it was a model car, not a gold-plated life-raft, as the packaging suggests.

"Be the first on your block to own the Surmount Truck!" And since when did friction power anything? OK, did I just come off as retarded? Let's move on...

an apt name. I wasn't sure if they meant the person or the place.

when I saw this my first thought was of Jame Gum dancing in the basement in Silence of the Lambs

impossible to read the label plastic thus

interstitial

2006-02-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

check out this photo. is that a McDonald's golden arch? what is it doing with "Mini Dog"?

the white chinese characters (traditional format) on red background say "authentic American Hot Dog", then look closely: is that a dog photo next to the menu. I don't know if they are actually selling REAL hot dogs.

Pic and commentary were sent by Tian at HanziSmatter, a great blog I've been reading for a long time that is essentially the opposite of the Busted English I've been posting here. It's all about how we Westerners screw up the drawing and usage of Chinese characters. As a student of Asian languages, it appeals to me. It also balances out the criticism I've been spewing about the terrible English here. Turnabout is fair play. In fact, some trolls have been calling me "racist" and "ignorant." Which leads me to respond, not by attacking, as some would, but to educate. Here are some things you may not know about me.

1. I have been studying Asian languages my entire adult life. I have a degree in Japanese, speak Cantonese well, can understand some Mandarin, and have spent time learning Hindi and Indonesian / Malay. I dream in these languages.

2. I am married to a Chinese woman. We have two children. We were married in China. At home we speak Cantonese. My daughter speaks very little English.

3. I have studied both Karate and Chinese Kung Fu for many years. I prefer chopsticks to a fork for most things, and not because I think it makes me look cool. I remove my shoes when I enter a house and I tend to actively listen (grunt agreement) like a Japanese woman. I prefer the Asian toilet, most Asian food, and Asian movies.

4. My father-in-law is a famous kung fu teacher and lion dancing coach here in China. His son started as my kung fu teacher in America. He brought me to China, I met his sister, you're watching the happily-ever-after.

5. I have spent a lot of time in Asia. I live in China part of almost every year. I would live here full time if my wife would let me. I'm halfway towards making this a reality.

6. I love China. I love that we in America are different than them. I respect their old, mature culture. I have adopted many Chinese customs willingly, and others were forced on me. I'm the better for it.

7. I love America, and Western Culture. I love that we're different than them. I respect our fresh, wildly independent culture. I have retained many American customs, and have instilled some in others.

8. I have a sense of humor. Cantonese people are very straight-shooting. If you heard a TENTH of the things they say about us (whites, blacks, Americans, etc.,) you'd be yelling all the way to the ACLU. Or does that only happen if the speaker is white? I give as well as I take, and none of it can possibly be racist when I actually prefer life here. The people are friendly, genuine, and spirited. It's safe, besides eating bones in every bite of food, and life here is very engaging.

9. I play up the differences for comedic effect. I may come off as pedantic and nitpicky, but I happen to love the English language, and when it gets mangled, I think it's funny.

10. I have committed the very sin I'm documenting here: At my wedding party, in front of over 200 people, I was asked to speak in Cantonese. "Tell us what you like about your wife," they said.

With my then-limited Cantonese I said "She's beautiful, has a great heart, everyone likes her, and her parents are great." And then I added, "Her and I are very comfortable."

The place erupted into laughter. My wife turned bright red and the emcee eventually was able to calm the crowd. The next day, her friend Betty told me I was the funniest guy she'd ever met.

"What the hell are you talking about?"
"What you said last night - so funny! Who told you to say that?"
"Say what? I said her and I are very comfortable together."
"No - you didn't say 'together.' That's why it's so funny - you didn't know?"
"Nonononono - wait a minute - what did I actually say?"
"when they asked you what you liked most about your wife, you said, basically, 'WE HAVE GREAT SEX!'"

So you see, folks, it takes one to know one! More coming soon!

New Blear's Eve

2006-02-22T08:06:00.000-08:00

Near the end of any good vacation, the action items start creeping back in. You reconnect with your paused life, compiling a list of things to do, people to see, calls to make. The Feeling gently lets you push it aside so you can go back to your commute, your latte, your angst.

Sometimes, the journey is short, as from a spa back to the office; you're back in a flash. Other times, it's across the Pacific and it's the longest day of your frigging life.

It all started with yet another person treating us to breakfast at a swank restaurant. It's always hard for me to enjoy myself while embarking on a journey - there's too much to be wary of. Passports? check. Money? check. Kids? Diapers? Toys? Bootleg DVDs? check. What is there's a problem with my visa? With wife's green card? What if we get held up at Customs? What if our bags are too heavy? So many things can go wrong - this kind of undertaking grates against my normally worry-free persona.

Packing should be fun - think "Tetris with clothes." It should be a nice review of your trip so far, unless you're packing drugs, weapons, and blood-stained boxers. You shouldn't be screaming at your spouse to leave the wok here because, yes, they do sell those in America. No, you don't need to bring back seven pounds of pine cones, fly scrotum, and tiger eardrums. Yes, I know curtains are important. Yes, honey, I like spatulas. No, I think a bathmat is a good idea. Just not in my carry-on.

As an American, I'm expert at saying goodbye with lies.
"I really have to leave, I have to go to work - I'll call you - yeah I had fun, too."
"This isn't goodbye, I'll see you soon. Maybe we'll think about possibly getting lunch when I get back."
"It's not you, it's me."

We hate goodbye. It's final. It's dark, worrisome, and comfortless. It's a European movie in which the hero dies. It's Atheism. It's an incurable disease. So we pad it, soften it, hold it off until we're already gone and we didn't ever really look it in the eye.
"This isn't goodbye."

Well, my Chinese family reminded me that no parting is ever guaranteed temporary. As we were leaving, they cried. They may see us later this year. They may email us repeatedly, and talk to us on the phone weekly. But it's not the same, and they know it. They know goodbye - they look it in the eye. They're right to be wary. There are no guarantees. So as the bus pulled out, I waved and let their tears remind me what family is. Family is crying at goodbyes.

This sets the stage for the trip home. The cast of this poor play:

one four hour bus ride from Foshan to Hong Kong.
one twelve hour flight from HKG to SFO.
one child, 5 years old, undiagnosed ADD, cries at the drop of a hat, acts out.
one child, 2.5, diarrhea, spoiled diva.
one child, 0.5, teething, too old to lie down for long, too young to sit or stand.
five immense bags, three smaller bags.

At the border, the bus company tries to gouge us into buying another ticket because we have so many bags. They saw a foreigner coming and thought they'd get paid.

Trouble is, we've already paid and are halfway through the trip. Imagine landing in Cincinnati on a connecting flight, and being told you'd have to buy another ticket. We were livid. Picture us standing between China and Hong Kong - legally, we're nowhere - screaming in Mandarin, saddled with about 200 lbs of luggage, three kids and throbbing headaches.

My wife's a wizard - she eventually finagles us a private car directly to the airport. An upgrade of the highest order, and we didn't have to pay a dime. Take that you gouging bastards!

In the car my daughter has her first meeting with Montezuma, which enables me to break out that one-handed-put-on-a-diaper-two-sizes-too-small-from-the-front-seat maneuver I've been working on. They should seriously make a game show for parents. Make it like Double Dare, but with liquid feces. I'd be their Ken Jennings.

Get to the airport, wait a couple of hours to check in, try to keep the two ambulatory kids from running away - it is the biggest building in the world after all. Try to keep your wits - you can do it. Welcome wife's cocky best friend. Expect a hand with watching the kids for a short time, feel disappointment when she brings brats of her own. Not their fault, though. Take a deep breath.

Finally check bags. Beg for mercy when it turns out your wife packed an 80-lb bag. Accept friend's invitation to lunch gladly. Also accept her offer of help when daughter's runs return. Feel surprise when friend brings back pants full of rocky road. Go ahead, feel your hackles rise. Now go wash your hands.

Eat your bland noodles with a grimace as young son cries and wife's friend takes everyone else to McDonald's without telling you. Yell at people to get the hell out of your way as Ronald's revenge hits. This happens thrice more. Mentally note that your daughter shits a Ferris Bueller in the airport. "Nine. Times." Be thankful when wife's friend insists on buying your daughter "medicine." Politely say nothing when she tells your wife that she's lacking in mothering skills - Cantonese humor is dry - isn't it?

Explain your misgivings as friend tries to make daughter take the caustic Chinese pellets right before you head into the security check. You'll think, "God, that smells like char-broiled Death." Not Pepto but Chemo. That's okay. Try to assuage daughter's panic as friend holds her nose shut and pours them down her throat with water. Say calming things. Tell friend to back off. Hold that famous anger. Hold it. Watch as daughter vomits twice into your hand. Now, hold that.

Watch in horror as your 5-year old nephew sees this and throws up in his mouth. See him scurry to the garbage can and coat it. Feel that wetness on your arm and pants leg and realize, with a sense of the ridiculous, that your daughter has released another ass salvo. Go ahead and turn, look at your wife and say, "Kill me now. Please."

Do all that and you'll have recreated one of the craziest passages of my entire life. Daughter emerged from the bathroom wearing wife's friend's son's clothes. He was in his underwear. Thanks, kid.

Security went fine, rushed to the head of the line to board, seats ok, all's well. Then, as plane is taking off, I thought, "Wouldn't it be just perfect if.." And then,

"Daddy! Daddy! I have to poop!"
"Excuse me, my daughter has to use the bathroom - now."
"I'm sorry sir, we're still climbing - she'll have to wait."
I exchange glances with my wife. The flight attendants exchange glances with each other.
"That's not going to happen."
The nearest quickly grabs her and holds her on the toilet, while somehow remaining in her seat. A minute goes by - nothing.
"Sir, she appears very anxious - maybe you should come help."

Walking the four feet there is like climbing a mountain. I get in and hold my kid's hand. She lets go, but because we're climbing at such a steep angle, the ejected material goes not down into the bowl, but almost straight to the left, splashing up and around, but luckily not into my eyes, which God left for me to tear out myself.

After that, our son made an appearance, filling a few diapers and refusing to go to sleep. Then there was a medical emergency and they actually asked over the PA, "Is there a doctor on board?" "You lucky devil." I thought. Then I blanched at the prospect of turning back or spending a night in Seoul. But eventually the kids and wifey slept, but not me, as the c-word sitting behind me refused to put her seat back, and so neither could I. I wanted to tell her that we're supposed to be sleeping. It was, after all, like 4 AM for us. I wanted to tell her she was the only one on the plane with her reading light on, and that that was inconsiderate. I wanted to tell her that I paid for the ticket the same as her and I shouldn't be denied the right to sleep. But mostly, I wanted to kill her. I sat there like a scarecrow in a body cast and actually pictured it in slow motion - me taking out her entire row in a parental rage like a married version of The Incredible Hulk. Thankfully, better instincts prevailed.

As we approached America, I once again loathed my wife for making me check "yes" on the customs form that asks the vaguest question on earth. "Are you bringing in any fruits, vegetables, plants, plant products, seeds, food or insects?" Then I had to go through with a dictionary and a book by Gregor Mendel to figure out just what my in-laws had given the wife to bring back to America.

"OK, those toenail things, are those plants?"
"What nails?"
"The toenail things - those white, curvy things for the soup."
At this point the person sitting next to us gives me a priceless look.
"I don't understand." Wife says.
"Remember that time you made the soup with that bark and the pear and those pinto beans?"
"No."
"Forget it - I'm putting NO and taking my chances."

Handing our passports to the guy at immigration is nice. We're almost home. "Sorry sir, can you go to the office for some additional questions?" What? "Sure." Then we enter the SFO office of Homeland Security. This is where wife is starting to freak out. Here we are, once again, neither here nor there. The unhappy endings from this page of the Choose Your Own Adventure are numerous.

Luckily, the Homeland Security guys are cool and it's something about Wife's green card. They do their thing on the computer and tell us to have a nice day. Waiting for bags is fun when daughter and nephew get ahold of a luggage cart and start racing around. With someone's purse in it. Of course, our bags are last off the plane.

Rides are waiting, and home we go. At long last. Allah hu Ackbar. Short catching up, relaxing, small unpacking. My fists finally unclench, then my teeth. My butthole unpuckers. I breathe out. Everything's going to be OK.

"JON!!! What the hell? I was gone for four months and you didn't even clean ONCE?"

Home sweet home.

May I take your order?

2006-03-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

It was a night like any other - people inviting us out to a steakhouse. We get there, we are seated in a private room. All was well. Niceties aside, we prepare to order. I ask my wife what I should get. She says, "Go ahead and look at the menu - it's in English."

"Oh Really?"

I started out chuckling, then got progressively louder each time.

Yeah, that sounds like a bargain item.

"I think I'll have the cowboy pick, or maybe the cowboy LEG?!?! I really wish I could shit you."

What's in a rurality salad? Country Music and buckshot?

I was so stunned by the English blunders herein, I had to buy the menu from them. Can you imagine the scene when that happened? I'll never forget it. They couldn't decide whether to be flattered or confused.

The Bcabe's connected to the... um...

Can I get Retchup on the side?

I'm not quite that hungry, thanks.

Um... Is this vegetarian, then?

I didn't know cucumbers had feet, let alone hooves.

what's with all the verbs? But man, you had me at sweet and sour bone.

Bartender, I'll have the usual!

wow, they love their cowboy meat here.

hold the foliage please.

Am I the only one turned on now? Guys? Anyone?

1 article pot: hometown? what the shit?

the scorn adds that little extra kick.

Nah, I think I'll just have a Papsi.

maybe they should eat more words plum.

I'm starting to get nauseous at this point, but I'm still laughing. It gets better.

Wow - glad to know there are three "ignedients," but what ARE THEY?

Aren't these kung fu moves?

Is this like supersizing or what?

Do French Crips do drive-bys as well?

Do I order this or agree with it?

Does anyone order the "Strange Flavour of inside Freasure?"

man fruit? is that a euphemism?

Double boiled frog for dessert? does that come ala commode?

mordacity: a disposition to biting. Well, I should hope so. It's a PIZZA - does it come in suppository form?

well, then, what the hell is it?

black bowel and cowboy leg? Add candlelight and you have yourself a date.

Isn't this a show on CBS?

I passed on this.

lol. just pure lol.

how do you numb vegetables? and what's fuck silk? satin?

What happens if I get that to go?

and with that, I'm stuffed. Duck Bukkake always makes me feel full.

Let's to be good friend!

2006-03-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, these pictures are real. No, I didn't manipulate them in Photoshop. There is absolutely NO NEED to make any of this up, and plenty of mangled english to go around. I shoot, I crop, I shrink, I post, I comment. That's about it. Please don't steal the pics. And if you want to license some for publication, well, all you need to do is ask. Back to the show.

The amateur of writer.

It is also confusing for me. See: Pronouns.

from a can of Chinese Raid. This IS formulated killing, you know.

"Mr. Chambers! Don't get on that ship! The rest of the book, "To Serve Guangdong from Hong Kong", it's... it's a cookbook!"

(okay, if anyone gets that, please, we need to hang out. I'm guessing I'll hit about 3% of you with that one.)

Is it really that hard? This stuff reads like they're inventing English, not learning it. We need a massive airlift of retrofitted Speak N Spells dropped over Asia. And for what it's worth, the former World Scrabble Champion is Thai and doesn't speak English. Talk amongst yourselves.

I lightened the bottom in PhotoShop. I'm still trying to figure out what the 16th world is. Southern Botswana? Mali in winter? Fresno?

How about oneself study English? please?

Please, I haven't spanned since, wow, it's got to be like ten years now.

So is it LuBan or Sluban? and what's with the quotes? Please, you're destroying my intelligence potential.

If this is anything like the show I saw during Spring Break, I'll get that medium well.