Gwailophobia

One of the strangest phenomena I’ve ever experienced myself has got to be Gwailophobia™. I define it as the intense aversion to fellow expats while overseas. There is a moment when you’re walking in a foreign country when you see someone from back home or thereabouts and you think, “Oh shit.”

If you’re speaking the local language, you don’t lapse into English or German to ask, “American or Canadian? Well, I can tell by the fanny pack.” You stay on your side of the street, you pull your “girlfriend” a bit closer and you cast a furtive glare at the pale lanky redhead smiling and having a good old time in your country. “Goddamned it i was here first. These people love me. I bet they can’t even read the language. Do I have to talk to them? Am I obligated?”

“Back Off, Gwailo – you’re harshing my buzz.” That’s basically the sentiment. There are many explanations, but whatever the reason, it’s an awkward situation, because it’s usually felt on both sides. There is a tense moment where both sides wait for the other to make a move, and if neither does, and you pass like ships in the night, you’re both conflicted for the rest of the day.

Gwailophobia has its roots in:

1. The Superman Effect – I bet when Zod, Ursa, and Non showed up, Superman was pissed, and not just cause they were psychos – he had to share hero status. You’re a novelty here – you look different, you talk different, you’re from a faraway place. You’re at least five times hotter here than back home. You’re relatively wealthy now – even living off your student loan or cashed-in savings bonds, your money has superpowers under this yellow sun. Everyone wants to talk to you – to learn English, to find out what life is like back home, or to get in your pants. (“Hey – now I have the sexy foreign acccent!”)

2. Immersion Protection – you came all this way to learn Swahili – you don’t want to break out your happily rusted English to handhold some tourista through ordering a McChicken Sandwich. “No, I have no idea where you can find a USA Today.” “Yes, you’re supposed to eat that.” “I won’t tell you how to ask for two women at once – sorry. Good luck with that, though.” The locals were just starting to accept you and you come back to the hut reeking of cheese and Drakkar Noir.

3. Derision – Besides boorish tourists and businessmen, who can’t help what they are, the people who come overseas for the Superman effect are the same people who couldn’t get that effect back home. Broke, skinny, bookish, pale, fat, chafed by life, they come for the 5x bump in sexiness, the strong coin, and the instant Gwailebrity™. What kind of person leaves a great life back home to help some yokels finally get running water? “There must be something wrong with them!”

4. Man in the Mirror – “Wait a minute – am I here for the Superman Effect? Am I just like them? I was happy back home, right? I’m not fat, I carry it well, they say! I’m here to learn the language so I can get back to my MBA with an edge. Yes, that’s it – this is all part of my plan. God – there must be something wrong with me!”

5. Reason – Here’s where I finally am with it, after going through all facets of the previous four – Why should I talk to someone based solely on where they LOOK like they’re from? I wouldn’t NOT talk to someone because of their ethnicity or nationality, so why go the other way? It’s just a really strange reason to start a conversation. “So, your ancestors are also from Northern Europe?” “Hi – Western Hemisphere? No way – me too!”

Can’t we all just be people? Merry Christmas, you lovely yokels!