It’s been a long time, dear friends and anonymous stalkers! I’ve missed you, and judging by the constant, “WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU?” emails I’ve been getting, the feeling is mutual. It’s good to be back. Don’t worry, I have much more to post, including some great submissions by readers - more later in the week!

my portrait of Suge Knight at work. It keeps people honest. Someone close to me once said, after flirting with crime during his early life, “I saw Suge Knight, who is the scariest man alive, talking about prison. He said that HE was frightened, and threatened. The fact that somewhere, something is scarier and deadlier than Suge scared me shitless. How would a small white guy like me survive?” My answer? “You’d have to familiarize yourself with my new term: kilococks.”

Homey was taking a “shower” in the parking lot of the gas station by putting in his hard-begged quarters and hosing his funky ass down. This is one of the busiest street corners in one of the wealthiest cities in one of the wealthiest civilizations that has EVER EXISTED. And here he is using radiator water and tire air to rinse and blow dry. Is this really the best we can do for our people?

High drama when stubborn wife meets stubborn husband. Her finger got infected and she refused to see a medical doctor, even preferring to put a CHINESE EYE OINTMENT on it rather than see someone. Red streaks started to appear along her hand. I told her she was taking a big risk with the pregnancy just to save a $50 copayment. Then she impaled herself in the cuticle and squeezed until yogurt came out. That’s when I vomited and passed out. She’s much better now.

Yes, you read that right - we’re going to have a third kid. It’s early, but so far so good. Wife is craving abhorrent things like lobster face, shrimp scrota, and Olive Garden. My job is to fetch these things according to her vague specifications. Imagine trying to feed a pregnant Rachel Ray after she’s had a stroke and can’t speak. Then watch her get frustrated when you bring something that’s under her impossibly high expectations. It’s be funny if there wasn’t so much yelling and wasted food.

Hey Tatiana, you’re going to have to find a way to help Daddy pay the bills. It’s either beg on the street or learn how to code.

When the first two are so cute, why not go for a whole basketball team?

“I like to read the Manglish. I to love the manglification.”

Chinese dessert place here in the states. Manglish follows wherever they go. Well, I can’t say that I’d do even half this good writing the same sign in Chinese, so I guess they win. Does “massive toilet paper” mean really big sheets? I picture a bedspread, two ply.

Mangled is best.

in line behind Sideshow Bob at the bank.

I guess FILDPIA is a subsidiary of FILA? Or is this someone cheating at Scrabble?

Wow, it does vedio? Why does it bother me that music isn’t capitalized? Why? Because I’m clinically insane.

Yes, I’m still skinny - thanks for asking. I get this at least once a day. My weight’s stayed the same, for the most part, since June. I’ve had a couple of small upticks that I immediately nipped in the bud. So far so good.

Good news for me, bad news for my diet - we’re going back to China for all of December. Expect nonstop 24-hr Manglish coverage during the holidays! And until then, I’ll be posting much more regularly in preparation. Thanks for sticking with me, BIG HUG!