i’ll write this while I’m inspired. It’s almost seven weeks since I started the fast, and I’m down about 45 lbs. It’s like magic. I’m melting faster than Frosty The Snowman at the Bunny Ranch. I’m also rapidly approaching the weight that I have not yet been able to cross (as an adult.) I always reach it, then fall back into Cookie Monster-like binges until I get back up into big numbers. Will this time be different?
God, I sure hope so. I feel different, but then so did I every single time I tried this before, and the next thing you know I’m doing laps through the McDonald’s drive thru and eating in the car around the block so my roommates/girlfriend/wife would be clueless. Of course, the bacon breath and crumbs covering my shirt were dead giveaways, but i never said i wasn’t stupid. (I was misquoted.)
Lately I’ve been thinking that there comes a time in everyone’s life for them to decide. Cusp. Crux. Crossroads. What are you? What do you want from life? Are you a good guy or a bad guy, hero, or secondary character? Do I really want to be thin? Or was I just playing along with what everyone else wanted? I was definitely half-assing it, that’s for sure.
Well, in this cusp, i’ve made my choice. I wake up every day and dream of playing basketball again without worrying about my joints shredding like a dry onion. I can’t wait to buy a new wardrobe, and at normal stores, not Rochester Bilk and Gouge. I would love to get this guilt monkey off my back. I can’t wait to take my kids to theme parks and actually fit on the rides. I can’t wait to try and run the Honolulu Marathon someday.
I don’t know this life - I’ve been over 300 lbs since 1995. This will all be new to me. It’s the unknown. And as stupid as it sounds, it’s a tiny bit scary. What if I backslide? What if I change? What if people look at me differently? What if my good luck changes for the worse? Who knows? But I’ve made my choice and this time I’m going to see what lies on the other side of it.
I believe it was good old Red who said, “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
That’s damn right.
6 responses so far ↓
1 Anonymous // Sep 27, 2005 at 8:18 pm
Jesus will always love you.
2 Melissa // Oct 1, 2005 at 5:42 pm
I know exactly how you feel. Although I am in the realm of normal I know I can look SO GOOD if I lose 30lbs. How come I don’t? How come my sister can keep thin but not me? How come I feel worse about my weight then eat more to make myself feel better AND worse? Am I purposely punishing myself? Do I really think so lowly of myself? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to answer these.
3 jon // Oct 3, 2005 at 12:54 pm
if this is the melissa I think this is, and if I may, I think the only problem is your self image. You’re beautiful, despite what you may think. Don’t ever, ever forget that or let anyone convince you otherwise.
Now, in your goals, perhaps you short circuit progress because of a self-fulfilling prophecy that you’re doomed to failure. I know this, intimately, because I do it too.
First, realize you do this, if indeed you do. Then, for whatever goal you have, make a plan and follow it to the letter. Remove all decision-making from your plate. The thing is, we can all make a plan with open eyes, but deciding what to do on a daily basis can quickly become clouded with guilt and fear, etc. So remove all decisions. Follow your plan (or someone else’s!) to the letter. Be a nazi about it. For example, my goal is losing a ton of weight. I follow the hospital’s plan precisely. It’s refreshing to not have the burden of knowing and deciding everything on a daily basis. I do exactly what they tell me.
if i mess up, as is entirely possible, (I may decide to storm Chuck E. Cheese’s and hold the big rat hostage until they fly in 10,000 tickets and a bowl of breadstick dip.) I’m to document it and move on. The tendency has been to fall off the wagon, then wallow in it, halting the good stuff I do and eventually succumbing to the backslide completely, until I’m downing whole tubs of Mitchell’s Ice Cream during the Stargate SG-1 Marathon.
This is the equivalent of the stick exercise we do in the kung fu school. When those things are whirling around, if you get hit, the first instinct is to clasp your head, close your eyes, and crouch down. This is, as we know, wrong. The hard thing, the necessary thing to do, is KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN. Pay attention to what’s happening. Yeah, you got hit - move on. Things are still happening. If you watch, you just may get yourself out of this mess.
Have a plan, follow it, and keep your eyes open, no matter what happens. If I can learn all this, anyone can.
“GUMP! What is your sole purpose in this army?!?!”
“To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant???”
“GODDAMMIT GUMP! You’re a goddamned genius!”
Run, Forrest, run!
4 Vincent // Oct 16, 2005 at 10:01 pm
I’m in a similar situation. I’ve balloned to 215 lbs (5 years ago, when I got hitched I was 190)….way before that I was 183. The 6′1″ frame isn’t muscle, it’s fat.
I’ve finally said to myself, I have to change. I want to be there for my wife and kids. Yes all us guys do go through the stresses of marriage and decide to down a beer and a burger as relief.
My kids are the reason I’m fasting now. Taming the lion in my stomach is difficult and the only way to do it is meditate….believe “you are the ONE” (as in Matrix)…
It’s been a difficult 3 days.
5 Lygia // Mar 10, 2006 at 1:56 pm
I just found your blog from Dave Barry’s blog yesterday! You are HILARIOUS. I have begun to look at all your post and I just wanted to say that I totally understood this post, I only wish I had found it sooner! You look fantastic now and you weren’t to shabby (no pun intended) before. I am dangerously close to 300 my self and I am only a 5′3″ woman. You have really inspired me, just by expressing what i am feeling inside. Once Again You look fabulous!
6 Randy // Jun 26, 2008 at 9:40 pm
It was Andy Dufrane that siad “Get busy livin or get busy dyin” Great movie though. Love your site!
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