China wins in :

- superstition. the whole nation makes the concept of the rabbit’s foot seem like an exact science. The day of our wedding was decided by numerological formulae even Stephen Hawking couldn’t get his mind around. They played with the numbers of the days, the months, the phase of the moon, and which animal was the mascot that year. Did you know even the months have animals? So if you’re born in the Dragon month in a dragon year, it’s special. Unfortunately, all of this made the timing of our wedding so sweet that my best man’s wife couldn’t make it, and I had to wear a tuxedo in 106º weather. All because my wife’s family believes that you need the whole thing to add up to an eight, which is a homophone for “get rich” or nine, which sounds like “forever.” Needless to say, walking into a casino with my wife is like watching “The Passion of the Christ” with the Pope.

- gambling See above. Gambling is such a part of Chinese culture that it’s even in the language. There is a popular phrase that means something like “Do your best.” In reality it means “Earn more money.” But “earn” is literally “win.” So someone might tell you, on your way out into the world, “Win more money!” What a bunch of degenerate gamblers. Wanna fight about it? I’ve been to Macao. They need help. We went into the oldest casino in Macao one night and my wife played Baccarat with some old Hong Kong ladies. We went back the next night, 24 hrs later, and the old ladies were STILL THERE FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE. Still feel like arguing? One Word: MahJong. Take That.

- freshness and variety of food. Seriously, if it moves, they eat it. And they don’t freeze anything, which is good – I can’t imagine how dog or alligator would taste in a TV dinner.

- slang. their language is so recombinant and homophonic that everything refers to everything else and can be used to rip on you in amazing ways. Seen recently in the English subtitles of a Hong Kong movie : “You talk stink!”

- mole hair cultivation. Supposedly, they think it’s lucky. I think it’s revolting. I’ll never, ever get used to this.

- nose picking. They’d be the East Germany of the Nose-PIcking Olympics. They don’t care at all. At the dinner table, in line, during sex. Um, just guessing on the latter.

- customer service. Every restaurant table has a swarm of people attending to your every whim and need, and no tipping. Tough to go from this to SF, where each waiter used to be CEO of a startup, and you have to tip a bartender for pulling a lever and getting most of the output into a glass.

- hair washing. It’s the best $1.25 you will ever spend – a hair wash that lasts 45 minutes and includes a full body massage. All platonic, which confounded some of my traveling companions, who replied when I described it to them, “Yeah, but what does it LEAD TO?”

- work / life balance. This is true of most foreign countries. Americans have forgotten how to live, basically. We’re a very dysfunctional society. A disparate group of hurried, annoyed workaholics struggling to get out of debt or become millioaires. In China, they work long hours, no doubt. But they know how to enjoy their day-to-day lives. Americans work 100-hour weeks so they can go to Tahiti two weeks a year. Chinese take vacations every day at mealtime. Work dominates the day, but it’s second to life, interacting with people, and family.

- family. you don’t know what family is until you’ve been assimilated by a Chinese one. It can be suffocating sometimes, yeah, but it’s also a refreshing change from the typical American way. “Okay son, you’re old enough to make your way – GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! See you at Thanksgivings.” To the Chinese, friends are a vastly distant second place to family, for whom they’d gladly go into battle. I like being in a Chinese family – I also love my American family too, and all of my friends. I like independence, and I like to have family around; it’s a good blend.

- traffic. americans are assholes constantly driving too fast so they can work too hard. Traffic is bad here in China, and in India, Manila, places like these, but it’s not an angry traffic. It’s not a pedestrian nightmare like American traffic, precisely because they mix people and bikes and cars prodigiously.

- obsession with money. It’s not a stereotype to say that the Chinese get the most for their money. My wife doesn’t play Playstation or board games. She goes shopping. I’ve seen her dominate people like Sly using the finger roll in “Over The Top” and squeal in glee upon leaving the store. And she’s not alone. The language itself is full of markers. “Gung Hay Fat Choy” literally means not “happy new year” as most would believe, but “Congrats and hope you get rich!” Being too thin is anathema; it implies that you don’t have enough money to buy food. I guess that’s how my wife agreed to marry me. At least she’d never have to worry about me looking poor. When people choose phone numbers and passwords and license plates, they always go for 168 or 18 or just 8. All are homophones for “Rich, “get Rich,” or “Absolutely Get Rich.” Some schmuck paid millions (in US$) for the phone num 8888-8888 in Shanghai. Don’t get me started on the Red Envelope thing. And have you seen all of the Chinese good luck statues and pics? The cats beckoning customers into the store holding money? Feng Shui uses money analogies to convince dumbasses to shell out money so they can rarrange their furniture so money doesn’t flow out of the house. Huh? No wonder they consider us easy marks – they breathe money lore. Shopping in a Chinese store is like playing chess for money in Russia. Good Luck.