- supressing the media. I once saw the White House Spokesman dubbed over, in ENGLISH, on Chinese national TV. This confused the hell out of me. And to think, the same thing happened to Cindy Crawford in that movie, “Fair Game.” Wouldn’t surprise me if the Chinese were behind, that, too.
- the war against Tooth Decay. many people don’t seem to care much at all about their teeth, It’s not hard to find a rainbow of fruit flavors in people’s mouths, even the ever-alarming grey teeth. I’ve seen dental brownouts and gums at low tide. Dentists perform exams and procedures behind storefront windows, so any passerbys can watch the show - no wonder no one wants to go. They use toothpicks, and to them, that’s enough. They need a benefit stunt like “Floss across China.” Chairman Mao used to say (paraphrasing), “People in the west make fun of my teeth because they’re black. I don’t brush, I just use hot tea to clean them. A Tiger never brushes it’s teeth…” Mr. Chairman, without thumbs, I think you’d have trouble getting Sher Khan to make the little circular brushing motion.
- medicine. Many of my friends think that the age-old wisdom of China harbors secrets the pharmaceutical companies haven’t unearthed yet. They believe deep down, with the same organ that causes religion, that somewhere between acupuncture, herbal healing, Tai Chi, and Feng Shui lie the secrets of the universe. News flash - the three basic ingredients in all of Chinese medicine are Peer Pressure, Menthol, and the Placebo Effect. They put Menthol in everything, including EYE DROPS. The cooling effect means it’s working, apparently. These people know next to nothing about human anatomy - how could they when wearing so many layers of clothing?!?! Their anatomical texts include underwear as a layer of skin. For Christ’s sake, it’s 85º - TAKE OFF THE SWEATER ALREADY!!!
- sex ed. This goes hand in hand with not teaching their population anything about Science in grade school. China has some of the world’s best scientists, but the hoi polloi desperately need a Mr. Wizard or at least a MacGyver. Obviously, they have sex (they have 1.3 BILLION people,) but I doubt it’s GOOD sex. They have a lot of really wrong ideas about it. Or at least the women do. Some rumors I heard: Too much sex makes you look old. Sex is bad for your skin. Trimmed hair is bad luck. (file this with the mole hair thing.) Homosexuality is so in the closet it’s scary. And the populace is VIOLENTLY homophobic. I heard example after example of loveless, sexless relationships. Women who tolerated it once a year or so from their husbands. It’s also treated much more like a chore or transaction. I’m American - I take my reality with a hefty dose of fantasy. A poll in 2001 listed Hong Kongans as the people in the world who had the least amount of sex per year. Could also have been that they were the most honest.
highlights:
- Hopping into a taxi to go videotape my father-in-law’s class. He’s riding a motorbike and leans in to give the driver directions. The taxi driver shouts, “Ai-Yah! It’s Mai Yu Qiang! Holy Crap, of course I know who you are! You’re the greatest. Don’t be modest. Okay - Don’t worry, i’ll get him there safely!” And then he tore off like Jackie Chan in Cannonball Run. It pays to know the right people, I guess.
- drank the bile of a poisonous snnake. Isn’t this the bonus round on Fear Factor? That crap had a kick like nothing I’ve ever drunk. That includes Crazy Horse and that Rubbing Alcohol we used to take shots of while playing PGA Golf ‘96. They drink snake bile because it has a cooling effect. Um, guys? So does Vicks Vaporub. It’s 2004 - you don’t need animal skin to make clothing and carcasses are no longer considered currency. We have animal-tested products instead. 
- leg pressing 370 kilos (810lbs) in the gym, then being subjected to all sorts of poking, prodding, and questioning, including these randoms (translated verbatim):
> How much do you weigh?
> What do you usually eat?
> How much does a hamburger cost in America?
> How much does a Ferrari cost?
> How much does a ticket to a NBA game cost?
> How much does a ticket to the WWE cost?
> Do they have the WWE on TV in America?
> How many people go to an NBA game?
> Can you run, or are you too fat?
> Have you ever met The Rock?
> How much does broadband cost in America?
- one of our white friends (not pictured) “keeping it real” by constantly referring to OHIO as “The O.H.” or “the O.H. Dime” (think about that for a sec.) Great guy, but doesn’t he realize that he’s approaching 30? He doesn’t have to “represent” anymore.
- all of the caloric information on products is listed in Joules. So i was either eating like Star Jones or Don Knotts, we might never be sure.
8 responses so far ↓
1 ebeth // Apr 16, 2006 at 9:55 pm
This site is so great! Just what you need when you are feeling especially Caucasian. I’m an English teacher living in China.
The tooth decay - terrible. Especially when they suck on those beans soaked in alcohol. The mole hair - also gross. I didn’t know they cultivated it. Similarly, I am grossed out by the one long finger nail sported by the men.
I have long said that over half of their medical knowledge is based on wives’ tales. I once had edema because of the mass quantities of MSG and the doctor at my university advised me to turn off the a/c (110 degrees) and open the windows!
And as to the weight-lifting, my husband is always told (on sight alone) that he is “strong.” He is also “manly” because he has more than 2 hairs on his body and could possibly be considered a “bad man” because of his tattoos.
2 Anonymous // Jun 7, 2006 at 10:26 am
sex? in china? not often, and not good. women i meet in their early 30’s, usually have had two lovers. their first husband and a fling after the divorce. the act is performed on average two times per month, at 5 minutes per. most men allegedly have
a girlfriend on the side, so the men
must be getting twice as much — 4
times per month?
3 Anonymous // Jun 15, 2006 at 12:28 am
Great site - but speaking of old wives tale’s, the idea that eating a lot of MSG has non-psychomatic negative consequences on your health has repeatedly shown not to be true in double-blind testing. MSG is a simple salt of a basic amino acid without which people would die, and the body ignores what extra it recieves. It makes certain foods taste better (the sensation is called umame).
4 Anonymous // Jul 25, 2006 at 7:16 pm
the o.h. dime…? i really dont understand that one
5 Randy Goldberg MD // Sep 16, 2006 at 5:29 pm
OHIO = O.H.10 = O.H. dime
Some people do, in fact, react badly to large doses of MSG, particularly if they are deficient in pyridoxine (vitamine B6).
6 Charlie Huang // Nov 20, 2006 at 3:02 pm
I’m so annoyed at us Chinese for not doing much in terms of full and proper scientific research into Chinese medicine. I’m also annoyed at the West for wanting to boycot Chinese medicine without testing it to see if it holds up to modern scientific scrutiny first.
Acupunture recently under went some research and trials and there was a positive result for pain-relief, so that needs to be followed up by full clinical trials. It is time for TCM to be dragged into the 21st century.
7 花花公子 // May 13, 2007 at 8:48 am
sex rumours beleived by some of my past lovers in beijing. i am talking about common chinese girls. most have been to college but have little experience with foreigners. most girls you meet in bars dont beleive this. But most girls in bars are rather “experienced” in the ways of intercourse. You could say the majority of (college grads) opperate in the world believing:
-not wearing a DAYPAD everyday is unhealthy
-trimming (even a snip) of pubic hair is unhealthy
-if you have sex without a condom and perform coitus interuptus you will get pregnant always.
-sex while menstruating is very very unhealthy.
-Unfamiliarity with any STD besides AIDS (and familiar in name only).
-Having sex frequently will make you age faster.
-Semen rubbed on her breast will make them grow. (the girl was only 10% joking. she really argued this point..sigh).
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