Friday, July 30, 2004
AT LEAST DAD GETS AADVANTAGE MILES
Jon and I are kindred spirits in many ways. For starters, we both share brothers that, though they are both loved dearly, can't help but entertain through nefarious means. My brother is studying this summer at the University of Guadalajara, a place I studied right after high school. But, I was pursuing a Latin American Studies degree. My brother just graduated from Texas A&M with an agronomy degree. So, going to Mexico to study language is the logical progression, right?Through the following conversation, my brother revealed that he is most certainly indulging in the seedier side of what Mexico has to offer. And, who was I not to encourage the feelings to be expressed...CJM: you make good grades first session? what's your sked this semester? what classes?
Bro: a 76 and 82. not too good, but I speak better than most of the top-level students b/c i hang out with only locals...i got screwed over by a bunch of guys last semester so to hell with the americans here. they were assholes; therefore i just hand out with the locals. the broads are hotter anyway.
CJM: how did you get screwed over?
Bro: me and about 5 guys went to a strip club. i noticed no bills were offered as tips. i asked the bartender why. he explained: look, my friend, that is advertising they are doing not stripping for money. they advertise what they have to offer to get paid by fucking. ohh i said. thats cool. how 'bout another beer? i left my tab open, hung out with one of my good friends and noticed everyone had wondered off. They did not however return till much later. i got tired at staring at tits so decided to call bartender over and sign th tab. that's when i went: WHAT THE FUCK? my tab was close to 800 DOLLARS. these fuck sticks ordered WHORES, took off and stuck me with the tab. i told pancho and lefty at whore house to fuck off and that's some bullshit. i started in a drunken rage to tell him i was going to beat his fucking ass. that's when this strip club owner, obviously with a history of heroin addiction, kindly informed me that i was about to be taken out back and that what he was going to do me wouldn't make the paper or tv news. "you're about to bleed, fucker" were the exact words. Therefore, I signed and took off... pissed
CJM: guess you won't go to that titty concert again. how did you have $800?
Bro: i had no no cash so it was put on DAD'S CREDIT CARD. now, i have to explain to mom and dad that i bought whores. fucking wonderful. i'll simply tell dad: look i'm not like you. i went to strip club, i got screwed. now, don't bitch and let's just have a good weekend,
CJM: it's on mom and dad's credit card?
Bro: yes. i feel bad for dad. i got head problems man.
CJM: well, at least he got 800 more frequent flyer miles. tell him: dad, you should have seen the rack on this one broad...that view was worth 800 alone!
CJM: one piece of advice: i've been all over latin america...been robbed in the dominican, talked my way onto a plane in mexico, been jailed in brazil, talked my way out a ticket in mexico city, re-stole my license plate in acapulco, talked my way into argentina with improper documentation, jumped the US-Mexico border and bribed a cop in the rebel zone in chiapas to let me go down a closed road close to the jungle in palenque...let me tell you from experience: Just be careful and don't do something like a strip club...just not a good idea
Bro: damn, i didn't know all that, that's awesome. i am going to print that for case point evidnece on my behalf that i'm not the only son who has fucked up in south america (Remember, my brother's in Mexico. Just something to keep in mind. Geography not a strong suit.) oh well, you live you learn, then you die and realize shit just sucks.
CJM: you just gotta be careful in these places...i've been going to these places for 15 years and speak the language better than most natives... still, i got robbed on the field at the caribbean world series this year...you just have to be vigilant
Bro: my only defense mechacnism is "no me digas pinche gringo, Sr. puñantero"
CJM: like molotov?...good tune. i've got a black shirt i got on their website that just says in white letters: FRIJOLERO
CJM: you hooked up with broads down there?
Bro: a few. one proclaimed it was her first, but, she happend to be a fucking machine that never ran out of gas so I call bullshit on that one
CJM: women are nice down there
Bro: i know that for sure...so will dad i guess. can't wait to have bible scriptures recited to me.
CJM: you done anything else crazy down there?
Bro: dont know where to start, man. about 3 weeks ago, my buddy greg from houston got into a fight at this late night bar. we got out alright. these bastards are pretty weak. we had no idea where we were so, in our drunken reasoning, we decided for us it was alright to steal these bikes from out back and ride right in front of the party and give them some foreign relations. yes, Goose, i know the finger. then we droped 'em off and walked to another ate night bar and laughed about it. while we were talking about it at the bar, unfortunatly, the guy that was behind us was at same party but had left early. he called his buddies and they showed up to fight. we barely got out of that one so we walked home and called it a night
Bro: man i got to run. i got to home and eat, take a small nap, head up to school at 6:00 for a taxi to Lucha Libre. no better sporting event in Mexico. where else can you pay 4 bucks, get huge, cheap beers and throw them on huge mexican animals and tell them you fucked their grandmothers and they can't do shit about it but get back in the ring and act like a fag. i win.
Bro: a 76 and 82. not too good, but I speak better than most of the top-level students b/c i hang out with only locals...i got screwed over by a bunch of guys last semester so to hell with the americans here. they were assholes; therefore i just hand out with the locals. the broads are hotter anyway.
CJM: how did you get screwed over?
Bro: me and about 5 guys went to a strip club. i noticed no bills were offered as tips. i asked the bartender why. he explained: look, my friend, that is advertising they are doing not stripping for money. they advertise what they have to offer to get paid by fucking. ohh i said. thats cool. how 'bout another beer? i left my tab open, hung out with one of my good friends and noticed everyone had wondered off. They did not however return till much later. i got tired at staring at tits so decided to call bartender over and sign th tab. that's when i went: WHAT THE FUCK? my tab was close to 800 DOLLARS. these fuck sticks ordered WHORES, took off and stuck me with the tab. i told pancho and lefty at whore house to fuck off and that's some bullshit. i started in a drunken rage to tell him i was going to beat his fucking ass. that's when this strip club owner, obviously with a history of heroin addiction, kindly informed me that i was about to be taken out back and that what he was going to do me wouldn't make the paper or tv news. "you're about to bleed, fucker" were the exact words. Therefore, I signed and took off... pissed
CJM: guess you won't go to that titty concert again. how did you have $800?
Bro: i had no no cash so it was put on DAD'S CREDIT CARD. now, i have to explain to mom and dad that i bought whores. fucking wonderful. i'll simply tell dad: look i'm not like you. i went to strip club, i got screwed. now, don't bitch and let's just have a good weekend,
CJM: it's on mom and dad's credit card?
Bro: yes. i feel bad for dad. i got head problems man.
CJM: well, at least he got 800 more frequent flyer miles. tell him: dad, you should have seen the rack on this one broad...that view was worth 800 alone!
CJM: one piece of advice: i've been all over latin america...been robbed in the dominican, talked my way onto a plane in mexico, been jailed in brazil, talked my way out a ticket in mexico city, re-stole my license plate in acapulco, talked my way into argentina with improper documentation, jumped the US-Mexico border and bribed a cop in the rebel zone in chiapas to let me go down a closed road close to the jungle in palenque...let me tell you from experience: Just be careful and don't do something like a strip club...just not a good idea
Bro: damn, i didn't know all that, that's awesome. i am going to print that for case point evidnece on my behalf that i'm not the only son who has fucked up in south america (Remember, my brother's in Mexico. Just something to keep in mind. Geography not a strong suit.) oh well, you live you learn, then you die and realize shit just sucks.
CJM: you just gotta be careful in these places...i've been going to these places for 15 years and speak the language better than most natives... still, i got robbed on the field at the caribbean world series this year...you just have to be vigilant
Bro: my only defense mechacnism is "no me digas pinche gringo, Sr. puñantero"
CJM: like molotov?...good tune. i've got a black shirt i got on their website that just says in white letters: FRIJOLERO
CJM: you hooked up with broads down there?
Bro: a few. one proclaimed it was her first, but, she happend to be a fucking machine that never ran out of gas so I call bullshit on that one
CJM: women are nice down there
Bro: i know that for sure...so will dad i guess. can't wait to have bible scriptures recited to me.
CJM: you done anything else crazy down there?
Bro: dont know where to start, man. about 3 weeks ago, my buddy greg from houston got into a fight at this late night bar. we got out alright. these bastards are pretty weak. we had no idea where we were so, in our drunken reasoning, we decided for us it was alright to steal these bikes from out back and ride right in front of the party and give them some foreign relations. yes, Goose, i know the finger. then we droped 'em off and walked to another ate night bar and laughed about it. while we were talking about it at the bar, unfortunatly, the guy that was behind us was at same party but had left early. he called his buddies and they showed up to fight. we barely got out of that one so we walked home and called it a night
Bro: man i got to run. i got to home and eat, take a small nap, head up to school at 6:00 for a taxi to Lucha Libre. no better sporting event in Mexico. where else can you pay 4 bucks, get huge, cheap beers and throw them on huge mexican animals and tell them you fucked their grandmothers and they can't do shit about it but get back in the ring and act like a fag. i win.
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