My buddy Enrique in the Dominican Republic is one of the funniest guys on earth. The following IM conversation comes on the heels of Enrique telling me that he was thinking about quitting journalism to become a “saltipanky”, basically Spanish for a “port rat.” Enrique said that in his new job as a port rat he would have sex with anyone or anything, including snakes, as long as they paid him. The following is a translated IM conversation I had with Enrique this morning about a possible, new business venture.
CM: Hey, dude, I was thinking: How in the world, in your new job, are you going to have sex with snakes?
ER: I don’t konw, but I’m researching it right now. I don’t know how snakes screw, but they haven’t gone extinct so that’s proof that the can screw.
CM: Sure, they can screw amongst themselves. But, do you think they can screw humans? Hey, when you find out if they can will you let me know? How about we form a company together?
ER: Sure. A services company with “special” services for degenerates.
CM: Exactly. We could arrange our menu by desires: Dudes that prefer rattlesnakes, those that prefer cobras, boas, African snakes, South American snakes.
ER: The Diamondback will be the most asked for item on our menu.
CM: Absolutely. Think we should go with that as our house specialty?
ER: Yeah. Diamondback Ass
CM: Sure. Boa Bush
ER: We would earn a fortune with something like that here in the Dominican. We’ll have all sorts of chicks around, like those at Eagle (Dominican version of Hooters.)
CM: You think offering free feathers for tickling the snakes is a pretty good incentive?
ER: Sure. And, instead of condoms, we’ll have a stash of anti-venom on hand. Courtesy of the house of course.
CM: lol…We just have it stored up in the back.
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